Rest in the Abyss
by NaruShika-Forever
Summary: All I had to do was let go. My life had been a giant circle of trying, no end in sight as I just ran around and around, same actions, same results. Trying to make friends, trying to master my flames, trying. But Now I can rest within this beautiful paradise. Soft BL and weird brother complex, Rin x Shima


Here's the new story I told all of you about for a while. Enjoy!

* * *

It started normal, just like any other day. It started with me greeting my beautiful Izumo and chatting with Bon and Konekomaru. With cute little Shiemi entering the room with her trusted greenman on her shoulder. There was the puppet guy in the corner of the classroom, not doing anything but observing what was happening - or possibly sleeping. I couldn't tell anymore. That guy was too good for even me to be able to understand.

The only change was shown when Rin walked into the classroom. I was expecting a cheerful attitude. For him to give a bright hello when he entered, then he would go to his seat just a little ways from Shiemi and ignore how she would shift away from his presence. He would ignore the glare Bon would give him, or the fear Konekomaru held in his eyes as he glanced everywhere but Rin. He would ignore it all and try talking to Shiemi, who would give a fearful answer, and then go to sleep even before Yukio entered the classroom. Or he would rush in just after class has started and duck anything Yukio would throw at him for being late, stay awake for a minute or two before falling asleep.

This Rin was different than my expectations. He was silent walking in. He didn't sit next to Shiemi, but closer to Izumo at the right wall - farther back then he was before. He all but threw his bag onto the floor before dropping into the seat, legs kicked up onto the desk and chair tilted back. His hands rested behind his head to give him an even lazier look than before.

His face was blank of any emotions I was capable of reading. Not that there was a bare minimum of emotion covering up whatever he was actually feeling, but no emotion at all. It wasn't that his eyes looked dead or guarded, like they would when someone's trying to hide something or pretend not to care about people. His eyes were still alive, just bored; uncaring.

He didn't have Bon's hair clip with him, allowing his hair to fall in front of his eyes. He had the full uniform on and in the correct manner, which was more than unusual seeing as that never happened. The Rin I knew came to class with a messy outfit after running around in the morning and missing things like his necktie or the outer jacket.

When Yukio entered the classroom, I could see a clear 'oh shit' look on his face before it turned into sad acceptance. Clearly he had seen Rin like this and did not approve. As much as I wanted to know what was happening, class was starting and I couldn't just drag Okumura-sensei out of the classroom. Of course, I couldn't do that even if we didn't have class. Bon wouldn't approve of me going out of my way to get information on the spawn of Satan, and his suspicion wasn't something I wanted to receive due to my current line of work. Even if this was more of a personal curiosity than anything I would rely to Lucifer later.

For the entirety of class Rin stayed awake and silent. No groans of frustration, not yelps when a teacher threw something at his head. No excited yells when he managed to get a problem right. Just silence. It was fairly unnerving. I thought I was the one best at pretending within the class. This dramatic change meant either this personality or the one everyone was used to was a fake. Something he was just using to accomplish his goal.

It was a scary feeling. This son of Satan was able to fool all of us, or now is putting up a front to make us afraid. I, personally, know nothing is going to happen to me and I won't let anything happen to Bon, but Rin has the blue flames; I only have black. And Lucifer's protection only reaches so far.

* * *

Nii-san was gone by the time I left the dorm. Judging from the various smells taking over the kitchen I could tell Rin had been cooking for a long time. He must have had a bad dream or needed to think; whenever he was dealing with something he would go and cook. It calmed his mind and allowed him to use his hands. I thought it was a good alternative to fighting, his former way of coping for a long time before Father Fujimoto finally talked to him.

He left an o-bento on one of the cafeteria tables for me to pick up, so I placed some of my school stuff next to it and went in search of Rin. First stop was the roof, than into some of the dorms.

Seeing as it was beginning to get late I ultimately decided that if he was still hiding somewhere it was entirely his fault and I wouldn't allow it to stay on my conscious. I already spend a good amount of my time making sure Rin has his homework completed to allow myself to jeopardize a perfect attendance record.

Seeing as all of my classes are too advanced for Rin to be in, I wouldn't see him until lunch, and then again at cram school.

The only difficulty concerning my plan to see him during lunch was that he didn't show up. Normally we would meet by the fountain to eat unless I was running from my fangirls or had some extra work to do for either school or left over exorcist assignments. Seeing as I got there just a little bit late – had to stop and talk to a teacher about one of Rin's assignments that he still had to get finished – it was far more unusual that Rin was the one missing from out spot. I had to wonder if he actually did just skip school for the day to go into town or something, but that seemed unlikely. Even though it was the same Rin who couldn't pay attention to anything he wanted to become an exorcist then the Paladin. He wouldn't be able to do that if he got kicked out of True Cross Academy.

I decided to give him until the end of cram school to show up or I'd talk to Mephisto to figure out what had happened. The headmaster seemed to know everything he probably shouldn't have, and I wouldn't put Rin's current whereabouts past his knowledge.

After finishing the rest of the school day, I headed over to the cram school. The room was fairly quiet, so there was a decent chance I'd have to be going over to Mephisto's office later in the day. Rin was normally very loud, especially - though not limited to - before the start of class.

Being met with a calm, laid back but awake Rin was not part of my expectations. Even with just a glance, I could already see he had reverted back into a state of being that I thought we had fully overcome years ago, 5 years to be exact. It was Rin's version of an 'I give up' act, though the word act might not be the correct phrasing for what was happening here. It wasn't an act for Rin. It wasn't something he was doing to get attention, nor was it what someone would call 'a cry for help'. It was just a Rin who was tired of trying to get people to like him. Tired of all the work it would take to make friends with his type of personality and abilities.

I had hoped this type of Rin was gone and done for, but it seemed to have resurfaced after his successful friendship with the esquires and his new-found trust in other people, only to have the reject him the same way he was rejected at the age of 11 in what was almost the same scenario.

 _I was watching everything. Rin had been talking about getting a new friend, someone I had never met before and he wasn't yet willing to let me meet. So I had to follow him, of course. There was a chance this person was going to replace me as Rin's best friend. No way could I let that happen!_

 _I was hidden behind the trees of the playground as Rin and a short brunette played together on the swings. It seemed like a normal friendship – one that I'd had with Rin but without all of the talking and overly-excited energy. There was no way she could replace me, but even I couldn't be fully sure about that. So I kept watching for thirty minutes behind that same tree, staying out of sight while they moved from the swings to the teeter totter to the sand box._

 _It was just when I was about to leave that these other kids, bigger than Rin and myself, showed up and tried to bully Rin and the girl out of the sand box, saying it was theirs and that Rin was taking up their space. Rin was content with ignoring the bullies until one of them grabbed the girl's hair, pulling and making her cry out in pain. In an instant Rin had jumped to his feet and grabbed hold of the guy's offending arm, gripping tight enough to leave a bruise (which I would see as he and the others run off), forcing the boy to let go of the girl's hair. The boy sheltered his arm from any more pain after Rin let go, but the other bullies weren't smart enough to know that Rin's strength was too much for them. One of them charged at him, trying to knock RIn onto the ground. I considered going out to help one of the sides, either by helping the girl get away or by making sure Rin calmed down enough not to send the boys to the hospital, but ultimately decided to see how it played out. A part of my mind must have been curious about Rin's fighting ability, seeing as most of the times I saw him fight it was from behind his back with broken glasses. All I knew was that his demonic strength allowed him to do some amazing stuff, but that could also lead to him lacking a true fighting ability – one where he would have to learn to read other peoples' movements and react accordingly._

 _I didn't get the chance to see what talent he may or may not have when he effortlessly threw his attacker to the ground and kicked the other in the stomach, leaving all three of the bullies unwilling to fight any more._

 _Rin seemed proud of his work, turning to give the girl a smile. What he saw, however, wasn't a grateful smile that thanked him for saving her for the first bully, but a look of fear at what he was capable of. I could see her starting to cry, to back up as he tried to get close enough to comfort her and make everything better like he'd done for me so many times. I watched as she shouted words I was too far away to hear, but by the crestfallen look on his face had to have been something far more painful than he was used to. Worse than people whispering demon behind his back where they thought he couldn't hear. Worse than the taunts that people in school would say when they knew he was near, when they knew it would hurt him._

 _What she said was worse, but I could never figure out what she said, or why it hurt him so much. All I knew was how he acted after that. How he didn't care about trying to make friends anymore. How he didn't care about being the class clown, making everyone laugh even if they were scared to talk to him. How his cooking didn't have the same life it did when he used to cook for the family – our little band of priests and twin boys. He didn't care about doing little antics that made Shiro smile while pretending oh so hard to be frustrated with Rin. He didn't laugh; he didn't fight; he didn't smile._

 _When I asked Shiro what was wrong with Rin, his only response what Rin was hurting. Really, really hurting inside in a way that affected even his heart. When I asked how I could help, Shiro didn't have an answer. Only to find my own way to heal Rin and make him smile again._

 _It took months. Every day was a struggle; partly to keep myself happy even through the loss of Rin's constant warmth and partly because I changed my methods of helping Rin every day, hoping one would work. I suggested going to the park to play, an activity I normally refused to do when Rin invited me – exorcist training mixed with school had been taking up all of my time recently. I suggested baking together, even though Rin's told me I can't even cut a carrot properly in a way that would cook evenly with the rest of the carrot pieces. I suggested working on homework together, then going to the pound to look at the kittens Rin used to love, then going up to the attic to find weird stuff Shiro and the others seemed to keep around for some reason or the other. None of them seemed to work until finally, one week a month and a half after the start of this ordeal, Rin smiled._

 _It wasn't an extremely large smile, but it was something to work with, and something to keep my hope alive and allowed me to continue trying to help my big brother. I kept pushing, kept coming up with new activities, and spending my time in Rin's presence whenever possible. During those long months I had refused to go out on any of the exorcist missions, and Shiro helped to make sure that worked out fine. I completed all of the studying at the desk in our bedroom as Rin sat or lay on his bed. I'd would talk about what was happening at school, or in a manga that I'd just started reading._

 _There would be times Rin would even laugh during my explanations, and at some point ask if he could read it as well. That started a new activity for us to do, just quietly reading while we lay next to each other in the same bed. I'd always finish the page first, but would wait to let Rin complete each page and look at all of the pictures in detail before flipping to the next one. Rin's face would light with emotions as he read, and pretty soon he was expressive all the time. Not yet as talkative as he was before everything with the girl, but now he would tell stories and joke around with Shiro and myself, occasionally allowing the other priests to join the fun._

 _I never brought up the subject of Rin's state after he returned to the 'normal' Rin. It was my overshadowing fear that Rin might revert back into that uncaring way of life if it was even hinted at. So I never had Rin promise to stay as my Rin, happy and energetic._

A current regret.

Rin always keeps his promises, even if they're nearly impossible. If only I had forced Rin into a promise. Forced myself to talk to my big brother about what happened, there would be a chance this wouldn't have happened again. A very good change at that. But now I could only hold back tears that threatened to spill over as I looked back on my past mistake. It was happening again, and I had done nothing to prevent Rin's relapse.

Why couldn't I suck up my fears and just ask?

* * *

It wasn't hard to return to this mindset. Actually, it was fairly easy. All I had to do was let go. My life had been a giant circle of trying, no end in sight as I just ran around and around, same actions, same results. Trying to make friends, trying to master my flames, trying.

All I wanted was to keep people safe. To make sure they didn't get hurt as long as I was able to protect them. I saved my friends from that stupid Amaimon, and now they hate me. I tried for a week to change that. To get past their feelings of fear and anger to a point where we could return to being friends.

But I'm tired. So, so tired. I've been trying all of my life to make people happy. Trying to get them to accept me for how I am. I quite trying once, and Yukio seemed to get sad, so I couldn't allow myself to stay like that. I forced myself to try again, even if it was just to make Yukio happy and not myself.

Now Yukio doesn't need me, the other esquires don't expect anything from me, and the people in my normal classes don't give a shit about me. So I'm done trying. I'll finally allow myself to fall back into that wonderful abyss where I can feel my beautiful nothingness. My emotions can finally be put on standby until Yukio needs them again, and I can rest. Not physically, but emotionally and mentally. Though the physical can probably allow itself for more rest as well, seeing as I'm not going to be putting energy into jumping around and entertaining everyone. And the last time I allowed myself to rest I wasn't as tired during the day. My nights were free of the constant planning on how to make friends that I managed to fall asleep after only an hour.

There wasn't anything I wanted to do during the day, so I took naps instead. When there was absolutely nothing else that I wanted to do – and couldn't sleep any more than I had been - I took out my homework to allow myself to occupy my mind through the boring but still challenging problems.

It made my grades rise just a bit, seeing as I at least looked through the information before going to take the test, but that didn't seem to make either Shiro or Yukio happy at the time. Once more, I didn't care. I had been done trying. It was sort of interesting to see what my teachers thought about my new actions. On one hand they seemed happy that my grades had risen, but at the same time they seemed to think I was being even more disrespectful than before. Which was true, in a way. I used to try being reasonable with the teachers – it was difficult to do seeing as I never understood what they were talking about and was too focused on trying to make friends. Now my posture screamed rebel, causing irritation when they saw me but gradual acceptance when they saw I wasn't disrupting class anymore or actually getting my work done.

Yukio didn't want me to rest anymore after a while. It seemed like he was okay with it, but they he started hanging around me much more often and trying to get me to talk. So I had to make sure to pull myself out of my beautiful world and into his. The things I do for that boy. He's my little brother though, so anything he needs me to do I will.

He doesn't need me anymore. He's a full blown exorcist, creating a new life where he doesn't need his demonic older brother to interfere. He doesn't need my protection from the big bad monsters, doesn't need someone to take care of him after a nightmare. Doesn't need someone to be near him during class so he can talk about what happened and memorize his facts further through oral memorization, nor did he need someone to talk about manga with – Shura had that part covered. Now he has Shiemi, Shura, and the rest of his exorcist buddies I've never met. He still has the people back at the monastery if he ever feels like going back and reminiscing about the past. He has Kuro to remind him of the old man, and all of his kind and courageous actions.

There is Kuro. I could try for Kuro, but he'll be fine. Konekomaru will play with him; make him happy and make sure there's nothing wrong on the emotional level. I'll still be here to feed him. I'll still pet him and spar, if he wants me to. He'll be okay, even if I let myself fall into my wonderful abys.

So I let myself fall. I let myself float in the emptiness, letting go of all my past troubles and stresses. I was adrift in this beautiful calm and let go.

With my feeling of complete freedom, I lifted myself out of my bed and left the room silently. I had already gotten up once before this morning, getting ready for school by packing my bag and grabbing all of the clothing articles required out of my drawers. Now I pick up my clothes and bag before going into a bathroom few rooms away from Yukio's and my own. Fully changed I walked down into the kitchen, getting to work on the o-bento I forgot to make yesterday.

Yesterday. That was when I first remembered what it was like 5 years ago. That was when I decided to head to bed earlier than I normally did in favor of thinking about the pros and cons of returning to a wonderfully relaxed state of mind.

I still have times I regret not staying in that peaceful abyss. It would have been so much easier for myself, but Yukio needed me to be there for him. So I was, like I always will be if he ever needs me again.

I finished up the o-bento and left it on the counter for him before heading out of the dorm. I debated whether or not to walk around campus for a while before heading over to class, but ultimately decided against it. Walking wasn't really my thing. I could go and practice with my flames, but that could make it so my uniform might get messy and I'd have to go home to change, which sounded like a lot of unnecessary work. So I headed straight to class.

I didn't rush – no need to – so I got there just when the teacher was unlocking her door. Noticing before ignoring the look on her face, I walked into the classroom and sat at my desk, front and center. This placement was her attempts to get me to pay attention. It didn't work, but it did make it easy for everyone to notice my changed demeanor when they walked into the room closer to the start of class.

I just rested my hands in my pocket and leaned back in my chair, letting the rumors spread through the walls and give whispers of hello to all the awaiting ears.

They are such boring creatures, teenagers. I've noticed that a lot, but always had to place the thought in the back of my mind. Thoughts like that wouldn't make any friends, so I had to get rid of them.

Now I allowed myself to block out all the noise they made; let myself be oblivious to their petty conversations while I fall into my mind. It's filled with manga that I re-read, page by page and speech bubble by speech bubble. When the room goes quiet I allowed myself to open my eyes. The teacher was standing at the front of class, asking everyone to get out their notebooks.

I did as she asked, which many people seemed to think as strange. They were probably expecting me to be more of a punk due to my 'don't give a shit' attitude.

This was expected. That's what people thought the last time I let myself rest.

I filled my notebook with doodles and song lyrics, every so often writing down what the teacher said. A brief thought of 'Yukio will be so proud!' passed through my mind and I smiled. My little brother will be happy. That's all that matters.

The rest of the day passed in basically the same way with the same reactions, thought people were getting used to me. I had some of what I like to call 'spectators' come by the class between down periods, all to see if I was actually acting the way the rumors were saying. It would seem I was pretty infamous in this school – everyone knew who I was and that I was basically useless. They seemed to think my parents payed a large sum of money to get me into this school because Yukio had gotten a scholarship here and I clearly couldn't function without my responsible brother. Clearly this rumor was wrong, but it made me a pretty big subject to talk about while they weren't praising Yukio for his perfection.

During lunch I just stayed in the room. It was what most people in my class did, and there was a good chance Yukio wouldn't be able to make it to our meeting point. Of course, I also knew that by avoiding this meetup would help him separate from me. Yukio knows I don't interact with people in our school, so he creates a distance between himself and others as well in order to keep me company. I can't have him harming his social life in order to help me with something I don't even care about.

It was during lunch that someone got up the guts to talk to me. Some guy in my class whose name and personality I had memorized by the first day of class. He was a fairly shy kid with a decent amount of friends. The guy wasn't extremely smart, but he was able to make friends with the teachers and had a decent amount of money to get by in society. I tried talking to him when I could, but the kid was too scared of my punk-look to allow me to actually hold an okay conversation. He wasn't the person I tried talking to the most, but there were a decent amount of attempts throughout the year that he seemed to care at least a little about my health.

"Um, Rin? Are you… okay? You're acting different than your, um, normal self." So the guy was still scared of me. But he was trying, so I'd give him an answer. Heaven knows I've felt what it was to try so hard and fail.

"Yeah, I'm good. Why?" It was my first conversation with someone in 5 years that I didn't force my eyes to light up, or my face to form a smile. It felt good. It felt really good.

"Oh, um, nothing. Just wondering." The little guy scampered off, still too scared to carry on a conversation with me. That was fine.

I placed my hands behind my head and rested its weight. Heads can be quite heavy, it would seem. I hadn't noticed until now, always too tense to allow my neck muscles to relax and take a break. 'At least I know it's not empty' I joked to myself, silently laughing. I wouldn't know if it showed on my face, no one cared to say anything if it did. For once, that thought was more of a comfort to me than something that tore into my weakening resolve to try.

Class started again and the students were getting used to the idea of me not acting like I used to. There were more rumors spreading about what it was that happened to cause 'such a drastic change' – their words not mine – that ranged from me joining a motorcycle gang to my parent threatening to put me into boarding school in a completely different continent. Clearly none of them had any idea who I was or what my life was like.

It was funny, in a way. By not caring about what people thought of me I was able to figure out what entertained them. Fantasy stories about impossible things seemed to be a hot topic. I could give fantasy stories. My life itself seems to be one. But it didn't matter anymore. I was done.

Cram school started once I finished my last normal class of the day. It had to start a bit earlier than normal, for some reason. I think there were teachers that would be going on missions soon after the normal end of classes and Mephisto just wanted to give them more time to get ready. Probably not – Mephisto is too much of an ass to let something like that happen. It's more likely he wanted to annoy some of the students, namely me.

It was clear from my classmates' reactions that they hadn't heard the rumors. Or they did and didn't believe any of them. That's possible also.

Whatever the reason was, everyone reacted in the way I predicted they would. Everyone seemed to be shocked, and Konekomaru seemed more scared than before. I was sort of expected Bon to start shouting, but it was a pleasant surprise when he didn't. Don't know how I would have reacted if he actually started something with me. It would be interesting to find out, though. My normal is to egg him on even more – that's what Yukio would expect me to do – and make it seem like I'm angry as well. Now… I might have just laughed at him. Or something he would find disrespectful and get even madder. That would be amusing, but Yukio wouldn't want me fighting. It would cause him too much trouble. So it's good that Bon decided to stay quiet.

Shima had an interesting reaction. His I didn't predict. I sort of expected confusion, but not the interest he was showing. It felt like he was analyzing me after I sat down, clearly thinking I wouldn't notice. I didn't think there would be more to Shima than what met the eye, but no one else thought I was lacking in the caring department either. This change was interesting, and I would have to watch what he did in the future. Yes, that meant I would be trying again, but it wouldn't be bad. I just don't want anything unexpected or bad to happen to Yukio. I don't know what Shima is capable of, but it must be more than what he's showing.

Izumo was surprised to see the change, but it ultimately resulted in her normal non-caring. She obviously thought I was trying to get attention by the looks of her body posture. Slightly angled away from me at all points of time. That's different than people who are trying to ignore me. They have their body frozen in place no matter where I move.

I couldn't get a clear read on Shiemi. Her emotions were all over, flying over every part of her body and shining through her eyes before flickering on to the next thought and emotion. It was exhausting to look at, so I stopped. Her eyes stayed on me even after I sat down. It was sort of unpleasant in a way. A constant feeling of eyes on me and I wasn't able to figure out what she was thinking. Not a fun feeling what so ever, but I had to just go with it.

There was Nemo observing me through his shut eyes. That guy's extremely creepy, but I'm used to his eyes on me at almost all times. The kid's probably a spy or something, but it doesn't seem like he wants to hurt Yukio, so I don't go after him or report him to Mephisto.

Then Yukio walked in. I could clearly see the layer of pain he held in his eyes, but held myself back from going to comfort him. He needs to get used to this. He needs to know I'm fine like this, otherwise he won't be able to move up in society. Always babysitting your older brother isn't something that should be taking up his time. He's already got enough stressors through his jobs and school.

If I could only find a way to let him know I'm happy. A smile doesn't work. Most of the ones I know how to do are fake. Cooking for him doesn't' do it either. I don't think Yukio is able to taste happiness – he isn't sensitive in that sort of way. It doesn't work to tell him, either. The last time I tried that he didn't believe me. He seemed to think I was depressed or something. I blame school for that. It was around the time we were 11 when the schools started to talk about all of these different psychological illnesses. It made a lot of kids extremely scared – the teachers continued to stress that depression leads to suicidal which leads to death. They didn't teach anything about how to save people from depression. It was more of one of those sorts of classes that was just like 'don't do it'. Was against everything and taught nothing.

So I wasn't able to find a way to let him know everything was alright before. I would definitely need to this time, or else there'd be a long path of leaving my sweet paradise and continuing to try. Not that the path is actually that long. More like it was annoying. I'd have to remember how I acted before allowing myself a break. I'd have all the fake smiles, forced energy, and the tireless trying.

I'm not someone who needs to be with others. I'm fantastic on my own, left to my own thoughts. It could be because I'm half demon - maybe demons don't like being around others either. I don't know for certain, but there's a chance. Or maybe I'm extremely introverted. All good possibilities, but I'll never know.

Yukio's talking about how lilac is able to weaken most rot demons, and are extremely effective on the ones that old teacher used to use. The one that Yukio and I had to fight because he was trying to kill me. I wish we had lilac during that fight. Would have made the fight easier. Not that it was hard, but still took so much more work than I wanted to use on that one guy. Or three, I guess, if you count his summons.

Those poor creatures. They kept saying sorry to me the entire time we fought, but I killed them. They were going to try and hurt Yukio. I couldn't let that happen.

Yukio kept looking at me the entire lesson. He'd still answer questions normally and watch the others to make sure they were paying attention, but his eyes always flew back to me; I was awake, I was looking at the board (not paying attention, but looking at it so better than before), I was silent.

He was acting like a good little teacher. Just like every teacher that didn't know what to do with my new behavior that was a little bit punk and a little bit good student. I had my notebook on my desk, but I was doodling. I was looking towards the board, but wasn't seeing anything written on it.

He wanted to act like a brother. I could see it in his eyes. He was worried. He knew what was happening and he didn't want to go through it again. I don't know why seeing as it wasn't a problem this time. Yukio was able to make friends, and he was strong enough to protect himself. There wasn't anything wrong with me taking a break.

My little brother's smart, but he's oblivious to how most people feel, yet he thinks I'm the one who doesn't notice. Bon would love to become his friend, same with Shiemi. Izumo would like to, but she isn't willing to put in the effort to make it happen. Shura already is his friend, though he denies it. There's the people in his normal classes, where he's popular with both the boys and girls. Not every girl is wanting to date him, there's a lot who just want to be friends because he's such a great guy.

If only Yukio would let them into his life. That's all I want. My little brother to have a great life with lots of friends. I don't think it's much to ask, but that could just be my opinion. He's smart, he's athletic, and he's nice. That's all it takes to gain the love of everyone around him. He has mine, and he has all of it. Now he just needs to let everyone else in.

"Okumura-san, I would like to speak to you after class." Yukio said while everyone was looking over their homework. There was only about three minutes until class ended, so he must have thought I would run out after class was over. Unsurprising, seeing as I was gone when he woke up that morning.

I stayed sitting in my desk as everyone filed out of the classroom. Once everyone was out, I slowly stood up and walked over to Yukio.

"What'cha need?" I drawled out. Once more Yukio seemed surprised. He might have been thinking I wouldn't talk, or I'd change how I talked completely. The other teachers and students thought I would. Like I've said, it's interesting to see how people react. They might have boring minds, but their actions can be funny.

"Nii-san," He started. So we weren't planning to keep it a teacher-student conversation. This would be a brother-brother one where he's going to try and convince me that he still needs me and that I have to keep on trying. We had these sort of talks the first time. 11 year old Yukio wasn't able to accept that I was perfectly happy the way I was. Hopefully this Yukio would be mature enough to see that I'm being truthful. "Did something happen again? You know the other esquires aren't mad at you for stopping Amaimon. They're just a little confused about you being the son of Satan. You don't need to stop trying to be their friend. You know that, right? Trying isn't a bad thing." Oh, great. He was going to get all sympathetic in this lecture. I had forgotten he'd seen me with that one girl the first time I let myself take a break.

This was the first sort of lecture he'd given to me while I rested.

"I just got tired, Yukio. I'm fine, it's you I'm worried about. Think you'll survive without your big brother to keep you company?" I let myself joke a little. It would be better in the long run if I dropped hints about why I was ready to return to my paradise. He'd probably figure out everything I was hinting at during some point in the future. My little brother's smart, but he really does lack in the emotional sensors. He likes facts. Facts makes sense to him. Emotions and protective feelings are a little harder for him, which makes it so much harder to show him what I'm thinking.

"You're the one who gets lonely." That's so cute. He's pouting. Not that he'll admit it in a million years. I smirked at him and turned away, walking out the door. I've already dropped one hint for the day. Now it would be fantastic if he'd just get a clue and make some friends, but that probably won't happen for an entire month. A month of secretly helping him before my true time of rest can come. I just have to try a little bit longer. But right once Yukio makes friends, plural, I'll take my full vacation. Maybe a year of break would be enough. I probably won't come back full force – it's just so tiring to do that – but I'll show my brother all the love I'd been feeling without trying to express. Not that he'll want it at that point.

It's a nice thought for the future. A time where I don't work to make friends. When people are more mature and I can just calmly doing what I need to do. Maybe I make friends with people like me, maybe I don't. That's for the future to decide. But I won't have to act energetic, so that's a bonus.

But first I'm taking my break.

And it's time for the next section of cram school. Something with readings. I think we're going through the religious text of Islam, the Quran, this time. We're going over the surah (I think that's what the chapters are called… or was it ayat?) containing part of the juz' 13. The teacher called on me to stand and recite 12:101, clearing thinking I wouldn't be able to. Which is fairly ridiculous, seeing as we had just gone over 12:98 up until 13:11. There's sometimes I really do get annoyed at people underestimating my ability to do things. Not that they're really stretching the truth. I normally wouldn't have been paying any attention whatsoever. But I'm awake now, so it's already stuck in my head. Which is annoying.

"O Thou Creator of the heavens and the earth! Thou art my Protector in this world and in the Hereafter. Take Thou my soul at death as one submitting to Thy will, and unite me with the righteous." I rolled off fairly easily. The words were already written in my mind, so all I had to do was read. Another helpful thing with letting go. It allows important things to actually stay instead of automatically getting rejected due to the mass of junk that throws it out.

The teacher wasn't the only one surprised by this, it would seem. Everyone seemed to be taking far more note of me than what I had gotten used to today. Bon actually seemed kind of mad that I was able to do that. Maybe it was because he thought I was always holding myself back before? That would be the only reason someone like him could get mad at me. Shiemi's eyes held aw until I looked in her direction. Than it went to that annoying flickering of emotions that was just too tiring to read.

The others were just boring and not worth mention. Even Shima was doing his normal stuff, which just made him more suspicious. Acting out of character for one moment and then completely normal a different one in the same day makes everything suspicious. It's not that he's used to my actions, it's that he's forcing himself to stay discrete. Damn it.

Everything seemed like it returned to normal after I sat back down. I stress the seemed, however, because knowing what I know about my classmates there was no way that they would act normal in this situation.

That was fine. Caused less trouble for me, less stress for Yukio, and all around less headache. A little smile reached my lips, completely unintentional. I didn't had a headache. That in itself was an amazing feat. My days were filled with a constant headache reminding me just how much was fake about me.

The smile died, and fast. Shima noticed. Shima noticed!

Why would Shima of all people be paying attention to me when nothing was happening? It wasn't out of confusion, and I couldn't even sense his eyes until this moment. The only reason I was able to this time was because he got confused. Confusion is a very strong emotion, you know. Nearly the same level as hate can be, and it always causes my head to turn; me to notice.

Shima was watching. For who knows how long. I wasn't able to sense him.

Dangerous. Extremely dangerous. No ill intent as of yet, but still a possible danger in the future.

I just don't understand. Shima was supposed to have always been with Bon and Konekomaru since childhood, so what would happen that could make him act like this? Like a spy sent to gather information on this school, or the people who go here?

I have to work harder to figure out what he's up to. Another thing I have to do before finally being able to fully rest. I can't let Yukio go into danger while I rest. I won't be able to get enough information to be able to protect him if that happened. I need all of my information before the rest, then I can just help like that when it's needed. Every second lost during my path to return to a working state could mean life or death for Yukio.

Not allowed. Yukio must stay safe, always.

* * *

I got lost in thought on my way back to Nii-san's and my own dorm.

He's doing this again. He's retreating into himself to get away from all the work he's doing to make friends, and he's going to hurt himself. I know he will; Rin has always been such a social person. If he didn't have people to talk to and entertain him, he'd be lost. I don't want to lose him, so I need a plan. Working by myself wouldn't be enough to get him out of it any time soon. The three plus months it took last time was just too long for me to wait.

Nii-san will be in pain that entire time! I can't let him suffer through something so terrible. My little lonely life was always fun as long as my brother was with me. I've always known that, and so has Father Fujimoto. He was the only one I confessed to the last time Rin was like this. If I need Rin so much, he must need me the same amount. We're twins, after all. Our lives were centered around each other since birth, and everything one of us did affected the other. We live in a constant circle, one that broke for the first time when Rin left the first time, then again at Father Fujimoto's death. And it'll break fully this time. It was always supposed to be the three of us! Now that Father's gone, I won't have anyone until Rin comes back.

I need Rin, which means he needs me. We're twins. That's how it has always worked, and how it always will. I can't let Rin go through this painful loneliness for any longer than he already has.

I'll need to bring in the esquires. Hopefully they'll see that this is a problem as much as I do. Konekomaru, Izumo and Nemu might be a problem, but if I can get Shiemi and Bon, Shima will definitely follow Bon. Izumo might just join since the others are doing it. That tends to be how she works. I'll just need a time to talk to all of them. Possibly at lunch. It doesn't seem like Rin is going to be coming to our meeting place any time soon, so that should be alright. Bon, Shima and Konekomaru always go out to the trees to eat, and Izumo normally stays in her classroom with Paku.

I should probably forget about trying to get Nemu to join in with the group, though. There wasn't any chance of him joining our little band to help out Rin. The guy never socializes in the class to begin with, so putting him with a Rin who isn't talking won't do any good. That's fine. I still have a chance of getting the others to join in and help me get my brother back. If anything, Shiemi will definitely do her best. That alone should be enough to get Rin to talk with her. He always respects people who try their hardest.

That's something I'll never understand about him. Rin respects people who try, but he doesn't want to try at all. It could be like how people respect geniuses but never want to try and get smarter, or something like that. Knowing Rin, there's a good chance he'd be thinking that.

Of course I could be wrong.

I started grading all the assignments I didn't have the time for yesterday after the test. Which was all of them. I had been able to get through the short answers section of the tests, but the essay portion was taking far longer than I was hoping it would.

Tonight I'll have to plan how to go about asking the others for help. It would be much easier if I had more people to help get nii-san out of this state.

Rin was sleeping in his bed the entire time I was grading, looking far more peaceful than I've ever seen him. It seemed as though he was fully asleep now, instead of is fidgeting and restless sleep he normally did. Nii-san always goes to sleep before I get finished with work, which is fairly weirds seeing as he normally sleeps through class. He probably sleeps more than half of the day. Eleven hours at night; cram school finishes around 8 and he comes straight here to sleep, then wakes up in the morning a bit after seven. Then he sleeps through a good amount of his classes then sleeps in most of cram school.

I sometimes wonder if he has a disease. There've been people who have something wrong with their brain that causes them to sleep through most of the day. EDS causes people to be constantly tired, no matter how much they sleep. Many times they seem to fall into a deep sleep but can be woken up fairly easily. Of course, they fall back asleep within moments after being woken.

The main reason it couldn't be that is that Nii-san had a restless sleep when I watched him. That disease is supposed to give people a deep sleep at all times. Plus, when I brought it up with Father, he laughed it off and said there was no way Nii-san would be going through that. Something like how demons or even half demons weren't able to get sicknesses humans had due to their immune system as well as a different bodily structure. I didn't fully understand what Father meant by that, seeing I was around 10 when that happened and didn't know as much about demons or anatomy as I do now.

I'm sure Rin doesn't know about this, another reason we can't live without each other.

I say goodnight to Rin's sleeping figure, smiling slightly when he doesn't automatically shift away from me and create room next to him. It had been a habit of his from when we were younger. I would almost always climb into his bed due to a nightmare or a storm or just wanting my big brother's comfort. It was another thing that showed me how restless his sleep would be if just a small sound was able to reach so deep into his mind to draw out something he never was able to remember in the morning. Rin was truly asleep, and though the loss of his welcoming movements was sad, Rin would be better with such good sleep.

Maybe he'd finally dream. Rin hasn't been able to dream since we were little. It's not a concern of any kind, but he always looked sad when I talked about everything my mind was able to create as I slept. I could tell he wanted to experience that.

After climbing into bed I fell into a deep sleep, dreaming of a happy Rin surrounded by all his new friends. He waved at me to come join him, and I wanted to. I really wanted to, but couldn't. Something was pulling me back. Turning around I saw Father, alive and well in his exorcist clothing. I saw a lab coat hanging up with a medical kit underneath. Then there were more people whom I didn't know, all smiling and waving, pulling me towards them. Looking back, I saw Rin's smile grow as he walked away.

When I woke up, I remembered nothing but a slight amount of fear that broke through into my conscious mind. I pushed it back in favor of getting dressed, Rin already having left the building.

I had a job to do today. At lunch I'd have to try and convince the esquires to help out, hopefully getting everything rolling by the time cram school starts. They'd have to find their own ways to get through to him, just like I did.

My first stop was the Kyoto Trio, as my brother so kindly deemed them. I ate while I walked over to their meeting place, hoping to save enough time to catch Izumo and possibly Shiemi, though if I couldn't grab the later there'd be a chance to see her after school at the shop.

Bon, Shima and Konekomaru were sitting right where I expected them. Bon was studying while eating – even I'm not that studious. Shima was trying to get Bon to talk about something or other, and Konekomaru was trying to get Shima to let Bon study. Seemed like their normal way of doing things.

Konekomaru was the first to notice my presence, calling out a brief 'Hello, sensei!' before continuing to lecture Shima about how Bon was trying to work and it's rude to bother him at this time.

They acted like Rin and I do, only I was both Bon and Konekomaru, while Rin would be Shima. I miss my brother… but not that part of him in particular. That was just annoying.

"Can I ask the three of you a favor? It's about Rin." The three paused. Both Shima and Bon seemed to be thinking about what happened in class yesterday, clearly wanting to know what that was. Konekomaru just seemed scared. Yesterday must have scared him even more than before, and Bon's negativity wouldn't have helped with that matter. Didn't seem like he'd be too helpful during all of this. Maybe after a while of getting used to this Rin he'd open up a bit. Or Bon could convince him to help. I just want this to get finished faster than it did last time. That's all.

"What about it?" Bon asked cautiously. So he will take some convincing. That's alright.

"I want to help him out of this state. And faster than last time." I allowed them to see the desperation in my eyes. Bon might look like a punk, but he's compassionate, just like nii-san. He'll be swayed by emotions, at least.

"What do you mean by last time?" Shima asked. Didn't expect that from Shima; maybe from Konekomaru, but only because he's a decent student who was curious about things. Shima was just too Shima to allow me to expect curiosity. Maybe there's a chance he'll want to help Rin instead of just going along with Bon.

"He did something like this five years ago. It's lasted for around three months before I was able to get him back to normal." Bon pursed his lips before giving me an angry question.

"What exactly do you mean by this? And don't give me a bullshit answer that avoids my question." So he caught on from my past explanations when we're going on missions. I tend to avoid any important information that they'd be able to find out. One example was the training camp we went on when Rin was found out. The lanterns were far larger than they expected. Seems those types of explanations piss Bon off more than I expected.

"For him it's something like a shut down. The last time it happened he was tired of trying to make friends. He did everything he possibly could to make friends with this one kid but he freaked her out by sending three older bullies to the hospital. She was terrified of him after that, and he just stopped trying to make friends. Nii-san didn't smile much after that. He wasn't loud or getting into arguments with the priests. He didn't go out of his way to get into fights. It was like he just didn't care about anything anymore." Through the entire speech I left my emotions unguarded. I got to each and every one of the group. Each of them had varying levels of shock taking over their features, mixed in with pity and a slight amount of confusion. Shima seemed a bit curious for some reason or another. Definitely would help out with Rin. There was even the chance they'd become close friends.

Good.

I ignored the pain that went through my heart at the thought of Shima becoming Rin's best friend.

"Well, how'd you get him out of this the last time? Won't that work?" It was Konekomaru who asked this. Unexpected; I thought he would run away while we talked about Rin, not join in the conversation.

"I've no clue what happened last time. I was constantly around him for three entire months, offering to do things and talking more than I ever did before. It might have just been the time I spent working to get him out of it, but I'm not sure. So I was wondering if all of you could help this time. There might be a chance that he'd figure out people want him around and that would get him to try again, but I just don't know." Bon gained a determined look in his eye, and Konekomaru didn't seem as scared anymore. Both of these were what I would call wins. Shima still seemed curious, but possibly in a different way than before. It was hard to tell for some reason; I was used to Shima being an open book, every emotion on the surface or vocalized without any work on my part. Clearly he was interested, so I assumed I had his support.

Shima could quite possibly be the most important person when it came to getting Rin out of this state. He was everything that Rin was; energetic, talkative, expressive, and a poor student. He didn't seem to like fighting, but Rin was actually a peaceful person who was loved by danger. It really seemed like they could connect.

I thanked the three of them and left as they discussed what could help Rin. As I walked away, I heard Shima ask Bon why he would want to help Rin. I just had to hear why, so I paused mid-step and just stood there.

"The asshole's already stupid, ain't he? The only think that guy's got going for him is that he's entertaining. I just don't wanna deal with a stupid AND boring asshole. 'Kay?" He huffed heavily and I smiled. So Bon actually did care, no matter how cold he acted. Maybe that was just his way to 'show the love' as Father Fujimoto would call it when he dangled Rin upside down by his feet.

Next stop; Izumo and Paku. Even though Paku isn't part of the class anymore, she's still such a sweet girl and might want to help out with Rin. Unless, of course, Izumo told her about Rin's secret and she's scared. Then she wouldn't want to help.

At the same time, she might not fully know the implications of Rin's secret, and just think that makes him a powerful half-demon. Izumo doesn't seem like the type to give out any unnecessary information.

Izumo is one of the few who isn't scared of Rin or upset that he didn't tell them. She seemed indifferent as always, if a little shocked. There was the possibility that she knew some of the exorcists that were half-demons and quite possibly had past relationships with her demon summons. The incantation she used to summon them the first time wasn't just a set of words that would pop into someone's mind. It took practice and memorization to learn such a call.

I took care to avoid as many fangirls as possible on my way to Izumo's classroom. She was about halfway across campus from where the trio sat, so there were far too many instances to be spotted by someone from my annoying fan club. After only a couple of run-ins and swiftly dismissed conversations using the excuse of having to see a teacher before lunch was over, I arrived with minutes to spare on conversation time. The duo sat near the center of the room, which was avoided by the other classmates for some reason or another. Thankfully there weren't club members within this class, but there was clear recognition on who I was by a couple of students. Not a good thing, but seeing as they didn't come up to talk to me, it wasn't a bad thing either.

Izumo grunted in acknowledgement, knowing not to say Sensei in front of the entire class but probably finding it weird to be on a first name basis with her cram school teacher – I held down a snicker, Rin's been influencing me too much.

Paku, on the other hand, had no problem.

"Hello, Yukio-san! Are you needing something?" She asked kindly. I gave her a small smile. There were times that she acted so much like Shiemi I couldn't help but remember when she was younger. At the same time, Paku didn't seem scared of me in any way, even thought I was technically a son of Satan. There was a good chance she had no clue about Rin, which could also cause problems later on. One of the others might let it slip and she could freak, causing Rin to see there was no way to make friends, even if that conclusion would be false.

Problems for later. Right now I have to work on convincing Izumo; worrying about Paku can come later.

"I'd like your help with Nii-san. You saw how he was acting before during cram school." She nodded, silently telling me to continue. Impressively I had her full attention with either the word 'help' or 'nii-san'. "This state of his has happened once before and lasted over three months. I, personally, can't allow it to go on that long again. Will you help me to get him back to normal?" She seemed to ponder her answer for a moment while Paku started asking questions.

"I'm sorry, but what's wrong with Rin-kun? I haven't seen him in the past two days or so. Are the rumors going around true? Did he join a gang?" I had to give off another smile at that. I couldn't imagine Rin in a gang, not with his happy-go-lucky attitude or the way he wanted to help everyone he possible could even before having a single conversation.

"No, he hasn't joined a gang or anything like that." I could feel the ears that surrounded us listening to this conversation. "Nii-san couldn't ever do something like that. He cares too much about people." This could actually be a good time to help him get friends. Everyone was so curious about the rumors spreading around that any information I give would be sent flying across campus by the end of lunch.

"He's just tired of trying to make friends all the time without any success." I continued, albeit quieter than before. This wasn't something Rin would like to spread around. He doesn't do pity, makes him furious.

Paku almost melted when I said that. She's such a sweet girl – has to be to get along so well with Izumo. It's obvious how much she likes to help out the underdog, the one who's so hard on themselves. I'll have to find the time to explain Rin's secret in a way that doesn't paint him as the bad guy.

Izumo showed no pity, but there was a possibility for empathy. I had a hunch that Izumo was a lot like how Rin is now, but then Paku came and made everything better for her. That could definitely work for me.

"Well, who else do you got helping out?" Izumo asked, feigning annoyance. It was the wrong emotion to be anywhere near convincing, but if it was a different topic I'd be fooled by act.

"So far it looks like Bon, Shima and Konekomaru are willing to help out. I haven't talked to Shiemi, Shura or Nemu yet but I'm pretty sure they'll join too."

"No way with puppet boy. He's an uncaring little shit. If I feel like helping out I will, but don't ask me to do something." Izumo wrinkled her nose at the thought of someone depending on her. At least, that's what I think it was. Some thought disgusted her about that thought, I just didn't know what. Paku didn't give me any hints when I turned my gaze to her for an explanation, just a kind smile that melted away my annoyance. Izumo is extremely lucky to have a friend like Paku; keep her out of trouble by being such a sweet girl.

I wonder if she's actually something that's not so sweet.

Moving on from that thought, I thanked the two and left for my own classroom. It was a six minute walk with only four minutes to complete. I took too much time with the girls.

Not that running was a problem; I'm an exorcist, for goodness sake. It's part of the job description to be physically fit and active. It was more of an annoyance seeing as I'm currently in the school uniform and would therefore have to check and make sure everything was in working order before class starts. Wouldn't want to look like Nii-san when he's late for school.

Not that he's late any more, or going to be late for a while. Never thought this would be something about our daily routine I'd miss. It had been more of an annoyance I'd always wish would stop. Now it has and I'm fucking missing it.

Damn it, Nii-san. Just get back to normal already!

* * *

I found the idiot before cram school started. Now that he's early for classes there's time to talk. I didn't expect him to be this early to class though. Normally I was the only one in the room ten minutes early, doing some extra studying for one of the multiple classes. Rin walked in about a minute after I got in the room, still earlier than everyone else.

I had a plan on how to get the idiot to open up. We always fought before I knew who he was, so that might bring back some of his old fire. Might not be the best plan, I know, but it was the only interactions I had with him that weren't fully negative. At least we talked to each other at those times.

I didn't have a clue to what I would talk to him about, though. He was doing better on his test – Okumura-sensei had the ones from a few days ago up on the board. Rin scored higher than Shima did, though that's not exactly an accomplishment in most people's book. Normally I argue with him about his score and his lack of caring about school. I'd rather avoid any insults pertaining to him being half-demon or anything that might get him to go farther into his shell.

It would be possibly to confront him about his complete change of attitude. The guy seems more laid back now, so people have probably been getting on his case the entire time he's like this.

"Oi, Okumura!" I shouted out, louder than what was needed seeing as we're in the same room. I just didn't want to allow myself to go back on what I was about to do. There's a good chance I'd chicken out and find something else to do in order to get him to open up. Fighting might not be the best idea, but it was the only one I had.

Rin tilted his head to show he was listening. Damn that guy annoys the heck out of me. I mean, not even voicing that he heard me? How rude can he get?

"What's wrong with you? It's pissing me off." The bastard had the guts to smile. Smile. Like he was laughing at me. Like he knew a secret that I didn't and was scorning me. Forget about trying to get him to open up. He's gonna get it.

In retrospect, I should have stayed calm and stuck to my pathetic plan. It might not have been good, but it was at least better than what happened next.

I threw back my chair while standing up, stalking over to where he was sitting on his smug ass. Standing in front of him to make sure there was no way he could ignore me, I grabbed his face and angled it towards my eyes.

His eyes just pissed me off even more. The ass was bored. Bored; not angry, not annoyed. He thought I wasn't worthy of getting upset over.

I'm gonna kill him.

I grabbed his collar and yanked him upwards into a half standing, half sitting position with his hands bracing himself on the desk. The ass had the nerve to look confused.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, huh? All this shit you're doing is pissing me off! It's like you just gonna fucking snap and kill all of us any moment, but we won't know when cause you're just fucking bored!" Rin opened his mouth, about to speak the only words I'd have heard from him in the past two days, and the only words I'd hear for a while longer when Konekomaru walked into the room followed by Shima. Koneko freaked and pulled me away from Rin; well, he tried to at least. The kid has little strength in comparison to me, but he was able to hold back the arm I didn't know I'd raised in preparation for a punch.

"Bon, you can't!" Koneko cried out, fear consuming any other emotions that may have been in his voice. "What if he attacks you? He'll kill you!" Shit. Any progress I might have hoped to make – not that it was working whatsoever – had just been guaranteed a no-go. Koneko didn't seem to realize his mistake but Shima had a hand to his head in the universal 'oh shit' gesture. I released an inaudible 'fuck' and took Koneko out of the room to explain to him, hopefully calming him down in the process. I left just as Shima gave Rin a shaky smile while Rin's eyes never changed from his bored stare.

Koneko had voiced the words I had been hoping to avoid. The ones that could draw him farther into his little shell and never allow him to return. My entire plan was fucked and there would be no way Koneko would be able to get through to Rin after saying that.

Sometimes life sucks. This is one of those times.

* * *

My fuckin' mission's finally over, thank God! Jus' took four days, stupid Mephisto. Ain't I supposed to be teachin' the brat how ta use his sword? Of course not. 'Cause then how'd I be useful for the stupid clown? Teachin' his li'l charge how ta not get killed by the damn Vatican just ain't important enough. The brat was finally learning what a sword was! Took long enough to get his flames under decent control. My poor clothing. So much of it got burned durin' that time. But four-eyes lost more of it so HA!

Wonder if the brat's gotten himself killed yet. His stupid act probably's still holdin' up, but that thing gets 'im inta a shit ton o' trouble sometimes. Stupid brat thinks I don't notice his shitty act, but 'course I do. It's the four-eyes who's blind and don't know. I remember when the cry baby kept worryin' over his 'nii-san' cause the kid wasn't actin' his normal. Then three months after the moaning it was all shits and giggles around him an' Shiro. The poor idiots know nothin'.

When that sorta shit goes down, it stays. Ya can't see it, but it does. I know how much o' an act it is when I see Rin. Mighta taken a long fuckin' while ta see it, but he's just real good.

I jus' hope his act hasn' killed 'im yet. The stupid thing's got 'im inta more trouble than a demon magnet.

Course he's that too, son o' Satan and all.

But now I'm back 'nd can make sure he ain't dead; and that he ain't gonna die. Just a few more steps till I see the idiot and four-eyes plus the rest of their class o' hopefuls. I'm still pretty sure that Neko, Pinky and Ice Queen are gonna die a young death. Lil Miss Lollipops and Sunshine won't be dyin' too early 'less she's on the battlefield. Not like that's gonna happen. Mohawk looks like he can put up a fight for 'while 'gainst a demon. A baby demon, but that's still better than the rest o' the shits. Puppet in the back is just annoyin'. Was back durin' my infiltration, too. No clue what he's got goin' for 'im.

Imagine my surprise when I walked inta the class and saw what my shitty student was doin'. Actually, don't. Cause I didn't get surprised.

"Well, shit. That what you've been hidin', brat? No 'I hate this world' emo crap goin' on? Damn, wanted something interestin'." The brat cracked a smile. Good. He's fuckin' boring like this. An' he thinks we're the boring ones? The lil' shit's too easy ta read. It's gonna get him slapped. Probably has.

He fuckin lifted his chin in greeting. Ass. I'm his fuckin' teacher and that's all I get?

"C'mon, brat. You got trainin. An' four-eyes, close your damn mouth. You really surprised he's like this? Bet you knew and ignored it. Fuck off with your 'woe is me' shit. Le' go, brat. You got trainin' to catch up on." I stalked out o' the room with the brat in tow.

"You knew." He started as I dragged 'im down the halls. I growled.

"Course I knew, brat. Think you're the only one with a fuckin' secret? Your act was good, but you're still shit." Didn't wanna fuckin' praise 'im. I might do the same thing he does, but it ain't mean it's healthy. I act to avoid pity, he acts to help his wimpy brother. Yeah, I picked that up too. The cry baby showed how much he needed 'is brother five fuckin' years ago. Still does, but tries to hide it. Or maybe doesn' think 'e does.

"So, what are you hiding? I haven't been able to figure it out."

"That's cause I know what I'm doin. You only got, what, five years o' practice? I been doin' this since I was ten, so that's eight years."

"You aren't eighteen, you know. You're twent-" I cuffed 'im over the mouth.

"I'm eight-fucking-teen, you got that?" He still got that bored look on 'is face. I reeeaaaally wanna smack it off o' him. Actually, think I'll just do that. With a sword. "Grab your sword, brat. We gonna spar."

* * *

I don't know what to do anymore. He's the son of Satan, right? So of course I'll be scared. I'm terrified. He killed my parents, after all. Satan, not Rin. But what's the difference? It's those blue flames. The flames are what haunt my dreams, not Satan. And there was Rin surrounded by those flames.

They eat away at everything. If anyone got too close we'd be dead. There's nothing wrong with how I act, it's only natural to try and stay away from danger. Unless you're Bon, that is. He's always picking fights with the most dangerous kid ever.

Yeah, Rin's a kid. But he's a threat to everyone in the class. Bon shouldn't be trying to rile him up, even if it's only to get him to open up to everyone.

I don't even know if he should open up. I mean, like this he isn't controlled by his emotions, so that means he won't attack us if he gets angry since he won't get angry. And his flames won't come out randomly when he's excited, either. But it's still scary, since I don't know what he's thinking. I used to be able to tell what he was thinking. It was so easy with how open he was, and how all of this thoughts were shown in his expressions and actions. Now I can't read him, and that terrifies me even more than the threat of his emotions affecting his flames.

We won't have a warning on when he's going to do anything. Maybe he is affected by everything that's happening, but we just won't be able to see. We won't know when to protect ourselves when he attacks.

Bon said I'm being mean to him, said that Rin just needs help because he's alone. Why shouldn't he be alone? I'm alone. My parents were killed by his flames. Any siblings I could have had were killed by his flames. So now I'm alone, why shouldn't he be too? Bon doesn't understand that. He has the head priest and his mother to keep him company, and everyone at the church serves under him and is his friend. Bon doesn't understand me, and neither does Shima. So I'm alone, even if I'm with them.

Rin should be alone.

But Yukio said Rin was always alone. That he was so alone he fell into a state where he couldn't feel anything at all. I can feel things, even though I'm alone.

Should I feel bad for him? He's dangerous, and I don't want to do anything that benefits him, but I do feel pity.

But Bon is… Bon is just reckless. He endangered himself by making contact with the son of Satan, by tempting Hell's flames to reach out, wrapping around him and burning him alive. No one would be able to help him. He provoked Rin while they were in the classroom, alone, with only Shima and myself coming in at an uncertain time.

Rin is a demon. I don't want him killed - he looks too human for me to want him dead - but I don't want him around us. I don't want someone who makes me so afraid to be near myself and my friends. Someone so unpredictable…

This issue isn't one that involves me directly. Okumura-sensei can take care of it, possibly with the help of Shura, but he should leave everyone else out of the entire mess.

I know Bon won't stop trying, even if it's just from the sidelines. Shima seems fairly determined to help Rin, though I don't know why. Bon said he didn't want Rin to stay boring, but Shima never gave a reason. Maybe he actually wanted to be friends with Rin but Bon and I were holding him back.

There's no reason he'd want to be friends with Rin. What am I thinking. Shima only likes Bon and girls. Even I might not be considered a friend in his mind.

I don't want to help Rin, but I don't know if it's a good idea to let him stay like that. He might snap and kill everyone without any provocation, but he might not care about any of us at all. I don't know, and I don't want one of my actions to be what sends him over the edge and onto a killing spree.

So I'll do nothing. That's how it works, right? If you can't do anything you're supposed to stay out of it?

Let's go with that.

* * *

Shura let me go back to class after a short beating. There's some times she can get to the point of annoyance, even while I let myself take a break from all these useless emotions. That's impressive. It's only supposed to be Yukio that I have any emotions for. She is one impressive person.

Other than the complete annoyance of Shura as she asks questions and tries to goad me on, most of the bruises that had began to form after each sharp hit with her sword, snakes or body were already healing and fading away; there was a good chance they would be completely gone by the time I reach the classroom again.

I think Yukio had said something about a mission today. He was planning to introduce it or something and so I had to be in class when he did. Not that it would really matter since I could just get him to tell me later, but even that amount of contact might have him thinking I'm going back to his perceived normal and make it harder for him to get friends.

I care about my brother a little too much… That's fine, though. I can't help it, he's my twin and I love him. The old man used to say the two of us have extreme brother complexes since we're twins, and that our mental connection makes it difficult to let other people in. I'm not entirely sure what he meant by mental connection, though. Most of the stories about twins being able to feel each other's pain is complete bull. We have an emotional connection that causes us to be dependent on each other, and that's what I'm trying to break out of, even if it hurts the both of us. I love Yukio, but his dependence on me is what's going to get him killed either during a battle or after my execution which will probably happen no matter what I might do to prevent it.

Huh, my execution. Forgot about that. My time in paradise might be cut short if they decide to do something about me. I'll probably be fine, seeing as my grades will be going up - just a prediction taken from the trend of last time's break - but there's always the chance that they'll go back on their word and kill me anyway.

Oh well. I don't have to try in life if I'm dead. Don't think people go to Gehenna when they die, so there shouldn't be a problem. Not that I want to die. I don't know what comes after it, and I don't believe in heaven. Wish I could say that I don't believe in hell, but we all know it's been proven as real.

The only problem would be turning into a full demon under the control of Satan. The stories about that creature show how hateful and vengeful he is, and there's the possibility that he'd send me after Yukio just to fuck with both of our minds. That is assuming that I still remember that Yukio's my brother. Don't think I'll ever be able to forget that.

Turns out I entered the classroom just before a break, 'cause right once I sat down the teacher, Yoshimura-sensei, said that we were free for ten minutes before the next lesson.

Shura made me skip on more than just PE. Fuck. Now I have to try and find out what I missed.

Whatever. I can just ask Izumo. She isn't scared of me, so I might actually get an answer besides 'fuck off' like I would from Bon.

I stand up, just about to move the three rows forward and into Izumo's area when Shiemi magically appears next to me. That's the problem with ignoring someone. You don't know where they are at any given time and therefore they can sneak up on you without meaning to.

Why must her expressions be so annoying to read to the point I put her entire existence out of my mind? Having her suddenly come into being right in front of my face is not good for a peaceful existence. Makes it fairly hard to relax.

As she looks at me, I raise my eyebrows to prompt her to speak. That's the only reason she would come over to my desk, if there's something she's wanting to talk about. Could be the same thing Bon wanted - or should I say Yukio, seeing as he's the one that must have asked everyone to talk to me. The girl seemed to fumble with her words, lips pursed, a small blush rising up her neck, eyes looking a little bit wild and partly feverish like it does when she thinks too hard.

I take a seat. She might be somewhat intimidated by me standing, since I'm a decent amount taller than she is. Just to show everyone how nice I can be, I didn't even lean back in my chair and show how much of a delinquent I can be.

"U-um," She starts off stuttering. Great, it's gonna be just like that one conversation I had yesterday. "I was w-wondering why you're ac-acting like this. I mean, sure, we haven't been that nice, but.. that doesn't mean we aren't friend or anything like that, you know. I-It's just that, well, it's sometimes s-scary to look at you. Cause, you know, you have your sword with you all the time… and it holds your flames… but that's not a bad thing! It's just… well… yeah." Her blush grew even more. Thank God she isn't stuttering as much as I thought she would, and her expressions are flipping slow enough that I can at least read a few of them without getting a headache. She hasn't actually shown any fear of me, even though that's what she's been talking about the entire time. But there's pity. There's a lot of pity.

I'm tired of getting pity when people just don't understand what's happening. They don't wait long enough for me to explain before jumping to conclusions about how terrible my life must be or how I have to be extremely depressed cause that's the only thing that makes sense.

Just like Yukio does. Just like my classmates, my teachers, everyone.

It's annoying, so I allow myself to tune out. Annoyance is a tiring feeling, even if I want to help out the poor girl who's just trying so hard to find the old Rin that was never there to begin with. I do want to help her out - she just tries without thinking about anything else, and it causes me to pity her - but I can't handle it when people don't wait long enough to listen. There's a time when trying is bad for everyone, and this is one of those times.

When I tune back into the normal world and look through the calmness that is my paradise I see that the break is over and Shiemi has returned to her seat, looking as though she's about to cry. I can feel Bon glaring at me. Maybe he actually has a crush on Shiemi and doesn't want her to cry? Probably not, but it is an entertaining thought. I should write a fanfiction over it and give it to Bon to read. See his reaction.

Humans can just be so interesting, especially when they're embarrassed.

They're still boring most of the time, though.

* * *

"Y-Yuki-chan!" Shiemi called out as I walked towards the classroom door. She was standing just outside of the class, waiting for me to get closer so she can explain what terrible thing must have happened. Twenty bucks says it's something about Rin. She was so excited to help when I talked to her about it between normal and cram school.

Didn't expect her to try something already, though. There wouldn't be much time to plan what she'd say or do, and knowing Shiemi there's a good chance the girl would mess up without a plan.

Oh. That's why she looks like she's going to cry.

"I-I think Rin's mad at me! I w-was talk-talking to him and-and then h-he just loo-ooked dead for a lit-little bit, and then class started, and-and I had to g-go back to my se-eat! And I j-just couldn't get thr-rough to him and, and, I'm sorry! I d-don't know wh-what went wrong or anything, it's just… just…" The poor girl was bawling and sniffling over her words, making the normal amount of stuttering worse. She didn't normally stutter around me in the first place.

While training as a doctor I was never taught how to deal with crying girls. Father Fujimoto didn't prepare me for this, either, and he was always hanging around females. It was always Rin who had the talent to make everyone feel better.

And now he's the reason Shiemi's crying. This is not normal in any way.

"Shiemi, what did you say?" I asked, trying to be gentle as she wiped the snot off her face and cleared her teary eyes. Just as she was about to speak a sob broke through her and interrupted the thought.

With a sigh I told her she would be excused from class until she was feeling better and that'd I'd catch her up on anything she might miss. Dismissing her with a wave, I opened the entrance to class and walked up to the desk. A brief survey of the room showed most of the students were still uncaring about what happened between Shiemi and Rin, though Rin looked a little colder than before and Shima was very concerned about Shiemi, glancing out the door and then towards Rin in a fight-or-flight mannar. He calmed down when I cleared my throat to start the lesson.

Lesson is a bit of an exaggeration. This period would be considered homeroom, the approximate thirty minutes at the end of the day where students are able to do some homework while asking any questions they have or I explain a mission that will be happening in the near future. Today would be the day of briefing for a mission. There was some disturbance that Mephisto had found (or created) within Mephy-land. While I'm sure it will go better than the last one we had chasing the little ghost with Amaimon showing up to attack Nii-san, I can't help but be weary. Past experiences taking their toll and all.

"Everyone, we'll being going to Mephy-land again tomorrow night. There is an unidentified demon who only shows up on the new moon, or the moon is blocked by clouds, so with tomorrow night being the new moon it's perfect timing. Due to the time when this demon appears it is assumed to be a ghost type, and a fairly harmless but troublesome demon. People have said that they see monsters after the demon knocks them out that causes continuous nightmares even after the attack is over." I still had the full attention of the class, surprisingly. It's pretty shitty to send people in with such little informations - especially newbies - but Mephisto promised there shouldn't be too much trouble.

It was probably just another stupid test the clown decided to sent the students into.

"Since we don't currently know what type of demon it is, we don't' know how to prevent any of the demon's attacks so make sure to stay extra careful of anything that seems out of the ordinary. We'll be heading over to Mephy-land straight after cram school is finished, so you just need to make sure and get a good night sleep tonight. The hunt might continue until morning and you won't be allowed to skip regular classes."

I dismissed the class to do whatever it was they needed to do for their other classes and sat down to grade more papers. It was homework that everyone had turned in today, so it shouldn't take too long to get through. Nii-san did better than his average, but that only brought my mind back to what happened with Shiemi. Suguro most likely saw the entire thing, and he should be willing enough to tell me what she said, possibly even word for word. His memorization skills really are something else.

"Excuse me, Suguro-san? Could I speak with you in the hall?" My interruption shouldn't have any consequences for Suguro seeing as his work was already completed and he just sat with his head on his desk.

"Of course, Okumura-sensei." He stood up and followed me outside, standing at attention and awaiting my speech. It looked fairly ridiculous seeing as he's dressed as a punk, but I expected nothing different.

"Can you tell me what happened between Shiemi-san and Rin? She wasn't doing very well when I saw her." Bon started to think, possibly drawing the conversation word for word or just working through to find the main points that might have set Rin off. Actually, I'm not even sure how Rin reacted to Shiemi. Externally he seemed to just block her out, but who knows what was going through his mind.

"She was saying that she wasn't scared of him but kept talking about his flames… It seemed Rin closed himself off while she was still talking, but I don't think it was exactly because of what she was saying. It looked more like he was tired of listening to her talk." He trailed off, trying to find anything else that might cause Rin to close himself off. Coming up with nothing, he gave a short shrug and looked me in the eye, waiting to be dismissed. I gave a short nod and he went back to class. There was still around ten minutes before the normal let out time, but seeing as no one was coming to ask any questions I thought to let everyone out early.

It would give me more time to talk with Shiemi, or at least to calm her down to the point of talking.

I didn't see any difference in nii-san as I dismissed class and he walked out the door. Still looking bored, not caring what Bon was trying to say to him. Something about how he's no fun like this.

I thought I saw a hint of a smile in Rin's eyes.

I'm not sure how to feel about that, surprisingly. I want to be happy that Rin's already opening up. I really do. But he's wanting to smile because of Bon, not me. My dream just might come true. Rin just might leave me behind and go with the esquires, not ever coming back for me. He might forget about me.

But I still want Rin to get better - fast. Even if he leaves me.

* * *

"Alright, ya brats! W're gonna be pairin' y'all up for this shitty hunt. Baldie with Purple-head, Puppet with Mrs. Sunshine, Brat with Pinky, Mohawk, yer with me." Of all my luck I had to be stuck with this one. On one hand it might be beneficial in finding out what he's going for. His stupid pink hair and idiotic smile was still going full blast, blocking out any other emotions I would be able to read. It's annoying - not that I'm exceptionally good at reading people's expressions, but he seems so see-through, like he'd never be able to hide a thing. His eyes are almost always laughing and you can almost taste his fear of bugs or getting into big fights.

These are not traits of people who have something to hide. These are traits of people who know what their life is and love it, who are fully integrated in the world and share everything with everyone, friend or stranger.

Pisses me off the only way I was able to notice something was wrong was when he was thrown off his game.

"Hey, Rin, hurry up! We're supposed to head over here and wait for the signal." Shima was already walking down one of the many pathways throughout Mephy-land. I considered jogging to catch up with him, but that would mean I'd be in closer quarters with a suspicious figure. Not exactly something I wanted to rush.

We walked in silence, occasionally broken by Shima pointing out different items in a stall. A cute monster that looked like some sort of leaf pokemon, a poop emoji that for some reason people seem to love, a orange and green baby chick with a crown on it's head. A couple of the items he pointed out made me smile due to their complete ridiculousness, like a banana with dreads and a colorful hat or a green monkey with a leaf growing out of it's head.

"Can you tell me why you hid this?" Shima asked out of the blue. I recoiled, stunned by the forwardness of the boy, as well as the question he asked. Most people would say something like 'what made you do this?' or 'what caused you to act this way?' but not Shima. Shima had to have knows that I was already like this, just working to cover it up. While I'm not sure when he found out that it was a cover, it would seem from his true reactions - of which had only shown through those few times - that he wasn't expecting such a drastic change.

Good.

"Why should I tell you?" Shima blinked a couple of times. It seemed like he didn't understand why I said what I did. Maybe he didn't expect me to respond at all. That makes sense, actually. I hadn't been talking around any of the other esquires - not on purpose, just didn't see the point of whatever conversations or discussions were going on at any given time.

"Because we're classmates?" He tried, undoubtedly knowing that such a response wouldn't prompt me to answer. When I kept my mouth shut he tried again. "I'm curious. From what I can tell there was no way such an extreme change in character could just happen. You had to have been either thinking about how to act like this, or, the more reliable guess, you've been hiding your true personality with some goal in mind."

It was a good deduction. He really acted nothing like the Shima I had grown to know. Now I'm not sure if it's such a bad thing anymore. He hasn't shown any ill intent towards either Yukio or I, only curiosity.

"Alright."

* * *

It worked. I expected my bullshit answer wouldn't, but never thought that the truth would cause him to open up like that. He's been so cautious of me since his reveal, more so than he's been of either Bon or Shiemi. The possibility of him knowing I'm a spy has crossed my mind more than once, but there's nothing to do about it until I know for certain, and just walking up and saying 'hey, did you know I'm a spy for the Illuminati? No? Well, I'll have to get rid of you anyways, since you do now.' I don't believe that would have any way of producing good results.

Thanks to my honest answer I might finally be able to sate the curiosity that had been brewing inside of me for the last three days.

"I was tired of it. Of pretending without anything actually working out the way I wanted it to." His answer was vague. So vague that I wanted to pound my head on the nearest stall in frustration. I had worked myself up to excitement, preparing myself for an in depth answer that would blow my mind and change reality.

Maybe not that much, but it was still excruciating to get such a bland, boring answer to a question I had been wondering about for so long.

Wait. He didn't even answer my question. That was why he stopped hiding, not why he started. I shot a mild glare his way until it completely dropped off my face at the sight of his smile. It was a twirk of the lips, but it reached his eyes. And I was the one to cause that, not Yukio or some stupid stuffed toy.

Now this is a weird feeling. Pride in such a stupid, trivial matter.

Don't blush, don't blush, don't blush.

I coughed. It was the only reasonable way to get out of such an embarrassing situation - not that Rin had any clue I was embarrassed. I knew and that was bad enough. It's not normal for me to feel accomplished in anything. My brothers are better in using the staff, my sisters are smarter and better hand-to-hand fighters, and Lucifer doesn't actually compliment people as much as they think he does. Most of the time he's looking down on the person he's 'complimenting'.

No one else knows of my control over the black flames. Dad knows I have their power, but not the control necessary to wield them. And you can't even see black flames as something to be proud of.

But Rin's smile… it was a true one. Not that fake thing he's been showing everyone - still can't believe I didn't notice it was fake. Now that I know the difference, it's so obvious which one was real.

Well, there goes my good mood.

"Will you answer my actual question now?" I had to stop myself from pouting. This is fairly weird. It might just be because Rin had let down his defences, but something is making me want to do the same. To throw away the useless person attitude and mannerism to show people that I'm actually capable in fighting and infiltration. Rin is a dangerous person to make me think like this. Just might cause me to lose my precious life.

"Yeah, sure. It's because of Yukio. He needed me, so I was there." Cryptic. Great. At least this time I didn't try and get my hopes up. "Now, you tell me what you're hiding." Weeeell, fuck. I schooled my face into the usual bullshit expression, all smiles and faked confusion.

"What d'ya mean?" Vague answers. Learn from Rin, stupid Shima. He's the master at giving annoyingly vague truths. Just do what he does and hopefully you'll get out of this alive.

"Exactly that. I can't tell if you're a threat or not." So, he doesn't know that I'm a spy, he's just cautious because I must have let something slip during classes. But his bored eyes seem to pierce through me, looking into my soul and all that crap that's so cheesy but true.

"I just had a life-changing secret from my dad. Can't let Bon or Koneko know something's different, so I had to fake it. Well, partly fake it."

"So now you don't know what's real." Rin had a look of sympathy in his fiery blue eyes. Not so much boredom anymore, and no pity. This is nice. It's not like I told him what my secret was, just like how he hadn't actually told me what his reasons were. Both of us just hinted, but even that was something closer to friendship than what I had with Bon and Koneko. With Rin I'd just have to keep a fairly smaller secret.

I could feel a smile forming on my lips, and paused to think. My natural reaction is to smile and agree. To do whatever to get this conversation over with while keeping my secret fully hidden. He just might be right to think that I don't know who I am anymore. All of my current mannerisms have been created to imitate my past self. If I allowed myself to forgo all of these little actions that were my only survival method, what would I act like?

I don't know.

That thought doesn't scare me as much as it should. I'll just chalk it up to being a survival instincts where it's do what you have to do and just deal with it.

"I guess not. I've been acting for a couple of years. You?" This was another answer I wanted to hear. Rin had gotten this good at acting, but it couldn't have just been within a five year time span. No one was able to catch him slip, and judging by Yukio's story about what happened the first time Rin had been feeling like this for a long period before he reached that state.

"I don't know. Long as I can remember, I guess." I expected that much. Okay, maybe I expected an approximate time where he started, maybe around seven years or something, but it's not too much different.

"Did you ever forget what you actually were like?"

"No." Impressive. That single word carried a lot of weight. It meant that he always knew he was acting. That he continued his act for as long as he could remember without ever feeling comfortable doing it. My act just melded with my personality, making it easy to keep up. The Rin act that I knew used a lot of energy, a lot of work, and a lot of stupidity. It seemed completely different from the way Rin is acting now.

No wonder he got tired.

"So you just did all of this for Yukio's sake?"

"Who did you create your act for? Yourself? I doubt that. I'm guessing you didn't want Bon to worry. Or you thought that's what your dad wanted." Why must this Rin be right so often? Maybe because he knows what's going through my head? Maybe he felt this way for so long, questioning everything that he did, that he just understands completely.

"Touche."

"Oi, Brat!" Shura's voice screeched out of the speaker on Rin's collar. She had given one to every group, but was the only one able to send messages through. There was, however, a button on the side that let her know when someone found the demon. It was fairly annoying to use, seeing as she'd have to send out each message individually - why, I don't know.

"Head over to th' haunted house. Baldie an' Purple-head found the damn thing and it's tryin' to mess with 'em." Her message was over as soon as it came, so Rin and I headed to our right at a run. Rin had to slow down for me to keep up, but he didn't seem to care if I fell behind a little ways. It was probably to make sure that a demon didn't decide to leave Koneko and Izumo and instead head our way.

How nice. He actually cares.

We reached our destination within two minutes, though the fast speed was leaving a toll on my body. Not so much that I couldn't move, but to the point of breathing heavily. Going from a mild walk to a full on sprint for a decent amount of time while weaving through the poorly placed rides, booths, and other annoyances was not an easy activity.

Rin, of course, was fine. Like he could run a couple of marathons and still not feel it. Stupid demon strength.

The haunted house, upon entering it, wasn't anything to be afraid of. It was mainly darkness with a couple of glow-in-the-dark objects. Having stuff run over my head as I walked further in was a different story. I let out a manly shriek and just hoped Rin didn't hear anything.

If he did, no words were spoken about it.

He probably did. Stupid demon hearing.

When we reached the middle of the larger-than-expected haunted house we were met with Koneko and Izumo attempting to fight off a ghost. It was fairly human in shape, though the view of it's body was disoriented. There was a large key hanging from it's neck, and a lock placed on it's forehead, seeming imbedded. What looked like bandages were wrapped around it's fingers and torso, and there were no clues to what gender it may be, if it's class had a gender.

Koneko was currently fight the thing off with spells, but none of them were used as it's fatal verse. Izumo's summons were attempting to defend Koneko and gain leeway, but the ghost was managing to fade through them and get closer anyways. The only thing currently protecting the two humans was Koneko's spells, however weak they were.

As I pulled out my staff, I expected Rin to do the same with his sword, but there was no motion. It was possibly he had learned that the sword was ineffective against a ghost-type, but that hadn't stopped him from trying before.

Oh. Right. He's acting his true self now. There wouldn't be impressive but useless shows of strength anymore.

"I know a spell that can materialize a ghost." I suggested. Rin looked at me, fairly impressed by my offering to fight. Yeah, I'm useless most of the time, sure. But that kind of stung. I mean, he knows that I'm hiding something, but he doesn't expect me to give him any more clues as to what it might be? Ouch.

He nodded and drew his sword while I started reciting. Right once his flames were free, I saw Koneko shrink back, pausing in his verse and letting the barrier fall, just when the ghost reached him. Something was happening with the key placed around it's neck, lifting it up in the direction of Koneko. Rin noticed at the same time as I and flew forwards, intercepting the demon right before it reached Koneko. It's fingers made contact with Rin, the key glowing a soft yellow, and I nearly froze in the middle of the incantation. We have no clue what abilities this demon has, and yet Rin was about to be affected by its touch.

Whatever happened, Rin seemed to break out of it fairly quickly. When the demon passed through him he stayed still for all but a second before reacting. I finished reciting moments before his sword passed through the demon, effectively cutting it's stomach and causing it to burn. Izumo's fox attacked without fear of the flames and sent the demon back to Gehenna.

While all of us walked out the exit (and I pretended not to be affected by all of these terrifying objects they decided to put in here) I pulled Rin a little ways behind the other two.

"What happened when it touched you?" Rin held a soft smile on his face.

"It showed me my past."

* * *

"What you saw was most likely a surgat. It is said that a surgat is able to break through any lock or wall that keeps them from their target. Once they reach the target they look through the victim's memories until they reach a point where the victim was betrayed. This will normally leave the victim in a comatose state until they have come to accept the betrayal or are destroyed by their own memory and die. The entire process has a tendency to last from three hours to a year. If it's any longer than four months it is assumed they will die." Yukio informed everyone. I was waiting for all of the questions that were bound to fly from everyone's mouths. Questions about what I saw, of how I was able to move on so fast.

When they did I just leaned back in my chair and ignored everyone. Why should I tell them? It isn't their business. Not like it even matters, anyway. I just saw the person that introduced me into such a peaceful life.

I wonder what she's doing now. Would be good to thank her for such a kindness.

Sure, my childish self had thought of it as a betrayal right after it happened, but by the next day I was happier than ever. It would seem that the demon was the one to judge if the betrayal was actually there or not. It must have thought that moment was true betrayal. It just didn't know that everything was forgiven, accepted, and embraced long ago.

I might tell Shima if he asks again. Not sure why I suddenly feel like he's trustworthy. Maybe because he's more lost than anyone I've ever met before, even more than Yukio. It's just sad that he doesn't know who he is.

Oh well. What happens next between us can just rest on his shoulders. I'm not planning to start anything.

Yukio dismissed us and we headed home. I got ready for bed while Yukio stayed up doing some more paperwork. Poor guy.

The next couple of weeks seemed to fly by. I had more of Bon and Shiemi coming to talk to me only to leave without making any progress. Izumo had come over and just sat in the same room as me while we both studied for some reason. It was sorta weird, but not extremely unpleasant. Just unexpected considering her character. Shura kept training me and trying to get me to react - it worked. That woman is just so annoying all of the time. At least I don't care when she manages to get a reaction out of me anymore.

Yukio did what he could to be around me more, but his duties tied him up to the point we only saw each other while he was working and I was about to go to sleep.

My grades in all classes flew all the way up to passing, though still below the average. Now teachers were getting on my case for not working hard enough instead of just being plain stupid. So much improvement.

Shima was different than the others. We would stay in each other's company for far longer than I've ever been with anyone but Yukio. We didn't talk much, but he tried to figure out what his personality actually was, and I shared what happened with the surgat. He seemed to be fascinated by what I told him about my paradise. Not that it was something he wanted for himself - turns out such emotions when making friends are easy for him. He said he liked to try, to work to the point that there was nothing left to do. And he was satisfied with that.

I found out that Shima is very, very ambitious. He doesn't show it in normal things, but his paradise is reached whenever he can fool someone into thinking the way he wanted them to. Make them so sure of something that they'll do whatever it was he wanted them to do.

It's a terrifying trait that he's actually able to accomplish such a feat.

But I accept it. Yukio won't be swayed by words, and neither will I. Yukio isn't someone who will fall into power's grasp just because he thinks he isn't good enough. He'll fight until he gets what he wants, without the help of anyone else.

Yukio's also a wordsmith. As much as I wish Yukio and Shima could become friends once Shima finally knows who he is, I know that isn't possible. When someone who enjoys power meets another who enjoys power; when a wordsmith is challenged by another wordsmith; when someone threatens another's greatness, nothing good can come out of their relationship. Only pain.

Yet Shima is a person who I can become a friend of. Our likeness is only in the essence of a facade. Both of us hide who we are for the benefit of someone else - Shima still doesn't know who his someone else is.

But he's finding who he is.

As it would turn out, Shima is a sassy little bugger who loves being right and is willing to argue until I conceded. Another annoying trait, just like Shura's. Maybe that's why I can stand being with them. They aren't trying to be perfect, and they're both damaged to the point of needing a mask to protect them.

I still need to figure out what Shura's mask is hiding.

I've also discovered something about relationships. If it's with Shima or Shura, I don't have to try much. Or at all. With these two, a relationship comes easy. I can talk to them without acting excited and they don't always try and get me to express any emotions. If I want to stay within my paradise instead of being with them, they allow it without complaint and do whatever it is they want.

I guess Izumo does that, too. But she isn't something I can call a friend. Just a person trying to get me to open up under the request of Yukio.

Yukio's making friends. There's people in his class that he's begun spending time with - I have Shima keeping tabs on him and collecting information from anyone who knows Yukio's whereabouts. He's pretty good at it, and I'm beginning to think his secret is being a spy. No joke. I haven't asked him about it, but that just isn't the kind of thing you ask someone. If he is, then he is. As long as he doesn't bring any harm to Yukio then I don't care what he's doing.

During one of Izumo's visits I found out that she was in a state something like mine, just far less pleasant, and far more forced. She said that, at the time, it wasn't something she wanted to escape from. That is just made her numb to the world and forget all of her problems. That it was Paku who brought her back out of that numbness and helped her experience what a true friends was like.

She also had to remind herself not to react to what people were saying. She had to make sure she wasn't doing anything that would make her seem like a normal person. I have a feeling she's still doing that, even with Paku as her friend. My guess is Izumo is secretly a very social person, just afraid of what people might do if she opens up.

I told her it was nothing like that. For me, there wasn't a numbness or a barrier to keep me separated from real life. It was an area where I didn't have to care what was going on around me, or be cautious of how people react to my presence. A space I can just relax and let things happen the way they should. That this state of mind allowed me to deal with problems more efficiently and without the complications of what other people might think about me get in the way of getting things done.

After that conversation we just sat in silence for the rest of her visits.

She didn't understand. But she was trying. At least she thought about what it might be like for me, even if it was basically what Yukio had assumed.

It was interesting to talk with someone who wasn't trying to get a reaction out of me. Then again, the annoyances known as Shura and Shima are extreme, and cause me to wonder if I should still talk to them. Not like I can stop. Both are too persistent for that.

All I want to do is help my brother get friends. I didn't plan for these people to enter my life and try to do all these things.

Shima I can tolerate. Shura I have to tolerate since she's my teacher.

On the bright side I am almost able to fall fully into paradise. The month that I had planned for staying on the edge is almost over, Yukio has his friends, and I even have Shima to help make sure Yukio is alright.

Everything's perfect.

* * *

I hate myself. I literally hate myself.

It just started off as curiosity. What can I say, I'm a spy. We're supposed to try and figure out anomalies in order to make sure the job goes smoothly. So yeah, I talked to Rin. I got to know Rin. I learned a little about his past, and he had glimpses of my secret. I helped him out with Yukio. It was supposed to be a relationship based on mutual interest and ability.

I was in no way supposed to fall for him. If he acted like the old Rin there would be no way I'd be able to stand anything about him. But now he's like this.

No, wait. That's wrong. If either of us acted like our old selves it wouldn't work out. Now I have an idea of who I truly am. I'm possessive. I'm ambitious. I'm a sore loser. I like guys. More specifically, I like Rin. Guys are still off limits as a sexual interest in general, but Rin is an exception.

When we were talking about how annoying normal people can be, he seemed surprised by my dislike of both females and males. He questioned how I could be so negative about girls if I was always so attracted to them. I questioned that as well.

So we did the only reasonable thing to do. Grabbed Yukio's hidden porn stash. Rin didn't have any, and mine was still in my dorm room. Rin pointed at a picture of a mostly undressed female.

"What do you see first?" He asked.

"Boobs." It was my automatic answer. Of course the first thing I'd look at where the boobs! They were huge, and probably photoshopped.

Rin nodded at my answer before asking his second question. "And what does it make you think of?"

"They are way too big. She's going to be off balance if those are real." Rin nodded again and flipped the page. It was a girl laying on her stomach, red heels lifted by her delicate feet.

"She looks like she wants to eat the camera." I said blandly. Then realization hit. When a guy sees something like this and they like girls, they're supposed to feel aroused, not question why people look the way they look.

Eyes still wide I turn to Rin. He gives off an amused smile and I automatically smile with him.

"You're more fake than I though." He says, still smiling. I didn't know if I should smile or something else, so I just fell back onto the bed as the realization rolled over me.

"Next we just have to test with guys." Rin smirked. He actually smirked. Even though there was absolutely nothing I accomplished in that entire time, I couldn't help but get that stupid feeling of pride out of my chest. It was just so damn hard to make Rin show any emotion, even though he was definitely feeling stuff inside of his warm little abyss.

The guy test was the same as the girl. I thought that the muscles were unrealistic, the clothing was stupid, and it was just plain weird what models were forced to go through to make people look at them. Those body positions were extremely hard to do. I know because I tried them with Rin watching.

And then Rin tried a couple.

It was then that my Rinsexuality awakened and I knew I was screwed. There was no way I'd be able to get into Rin's paradise and convince him not to hibernate, as I so lovingly call it. It was the first time I didn't know what to do in order to get someone to go out with me. Life was actually easier before I decided to do as Rin suggested and find out what my actual self was without all of my faking and fraud. I used to be so good at flirting, but I just can't find it within myself to be fake with Rin.

It's his fault that I'm Rinsexual but I can't even have him take responsibility because there's no way he'd care.

Life sucks.

* * *

Well. I have no clue what to do now. It's already been a month and a half since I've allowed myself to drop into paradise and for some reason Shima isn't letting me drop my guard. I don't know what's bothering him, but he's always staring at me during class and keeps looking away when I glance back.

It's bothering me. As in, it's forcibly making me leave my happy place and return to the normal world for long periods of time because I'm on edge. While this entire experience isn't nearly as stressful as acting like a normal person, it's in no way relaxing like I was wanting it to be!

So now I have to talk to him. Get him to tell me what's going on so I can fix it and just relax. Of course, this is easier said than done, as that stupid saying goes. Shima seems to avoid me whenever I want to ask what's happening, but popping up right once I forget there was a problem. So now I just have to corner him, possibly with the help of Bon and Koneko.

I don't want to ask them for help. It's not that I don't like them. Oh, wait, it is.

Damn it, Shima's sarcasm is catching on.

Either way, I haven't talked around Bon since the first time he attempted to rile me up and failed spectacularly. Koneko's heard me talk to Shima before, but Bon always has the best timing of never being there when I'm with Shima. To make it worse, Bon continues to try and get a reaction out of me in the same ways he has the first twenty times. It's getting really old. In the beginning that entire thing of 'I'm pretending to be mad at you but really just want to see something other than boredom in your eyes' was actually sort of funny to watch. Then it just became the same thing over and over again.

I'll have to ask Shima to get him to stop. Or I could just allow myself to fully separate from their reality and stay in peace. That does sound like a nice option.

Yeah, I'll do that. I'm not needed here anymore. Finally, I can have my paradise.

* * *

He's gone. I was too late, and now Rin isn't responding to anything I say.

That's not true, but he isn't giving much in our friendship. He told me that he'd let himself take a break soon, but I didn't expect it to be this soon. I wasn't even able to tell him anything. Not about my job, that would still be suicide, but about my feelings. I really, really like him. Why did he have to make me this confused and then just fucking leave?

One good thing came out of his break. His eyes aren't constantly bored. They're peaceful. I can always see a shade of a smile on his lips, just barely there so most people wouldn't notice.

I'm always watching. I always notice.

It's great to see him so peaceful, he's beautiful and happy and I don't want that to ever change. But it hurts. He doesn't even react to me anymore. No smiles when I talk, no frustration when I annoy the hell out of him. Nothing. But I can't avoid him to get rid of the pain; that just hurts even more.

I will get him to notice my feelings, even if I have to break through his paradise and remove him from it. Just not yet. I'll allow him time to relax, but I will take him for myself.

Rin doesn't lie when he calls me possessive and ambitious. He just doesn't know everything that I'm possessive over.

I'm at Rin's when he's about to go to sleep. This isn't unusual anymore. It started back before he completely submerged himself in peace. We both talk until he gets tired, and then I leave.

I don't want to leave this time. So instead of walking out the door I sit on the floor next to Rin's bed and rest my head. Rin doesn't seem to notice my movements, but I'm sure it's been noted in his overprotective brain. It's always working to make sure nothing bad will happen to Yukio, even when Yukio isn't anywhere close.

He told me a few weeks into our friendship that he had thought I might be dangerous to Yukio or himself. I didn't deny it, and Rin didn't ask why he would have gotten that feeling. When I asked if he trusted me not, he gave a clear answer.

No.

I thought my heart would break. I expected this, sure. I'm a spy and all, and everything I do must be suspicious to him. But I thought that maybe he might trust me at least a little bit.

While I was wallowing in my depression, he continued.

No, he didn't trust me. But he did like me, and that would have to be good enough.

The breaking stopped, but didn't heal. Liking this guy just causes me so much pain, why did I have to put myself through all of this? Stupid heart. Not that it's a surprise. I work for Satan's oldest and second oldest sons as a double agent, I control black flames that consume everything, and I've fallen for Satan's youngest son who wields the only flames more powerful than my own. I'm attracted to danger. Of course I'd like Rin. It's just my damn luck.

So I just sat there, enjoining his sleeping presence. He might hate me for it, but I want to bring him out of paradise. I want to be with him and his emotions instead of with his un-reacting self. I want to see him embarrassed, angry, ecstatic, everything. Not just a peaceful happiness.

I'm a terrible person, I know. But I can't just wait here until Rin is finished with his vacation and I can tell him how I feel. Who knows how long this vacation will last? Months? Years? I can't wait that long. I just can't.

What would his reaction be if I just confessed. Told him how I felt. Would it break through his peace and interrupt his entire being to the point where he might blush? That would be the best case scenario. I'm not that lucky.

He'd probably just pass it off as something that doesn't concern him and I'd be left broken.

I'll still try. Maybe next week. Let him have peace for a little bit longer before I have my first attempt to break through and drag him back into our annoying world.

I hate myself for thinking this, but I just can't stop.

* * *

Shima's acting weird, even for him. It started after he started trying to get through to Okumura and was hanging out with him more than with me and Koneko. He doesn't hit on girls as often - he still hits on them, if he didn't I'd think he was sick - and I don't see him leafing through porn at all. He's still happy, but it seems he's happiest when he's about to go see Okumura.

As great as it is that he's getting through to the idiot - Koneko said the idiot talks to Shima - it's annoying that he's more happy hanging with the son of fucking Satan than with me. I wouldn't say I'm jealous, just can't figure out what's so good about that idiot. He doesn't smile, the guy's basically dead inside, yet Shima's just so damn happy.

I'm pretty sure there's something wrong with his brain.

"Oi," I start when Shima gets back into the dorm room. He's back later than normal. By about an hour. It doesn't look like anything bad or weird happened, so I don't question him. "How's the idiot?"

Yes. I was fucking curious. I hadn't heard the guy talk in more than two fucking months and it was starting to piss me off. I should probably try and change my method of getting through to him seeing as it wasn't working what so ever, but the way Shima does it - being fairly silent and just there - isn't my style. I have to be heard. I have to get a response. Koneko says that it's because I was a privileged child that I act like this. It makes sense, seeing as I was Bon, which was short for Bocchan or young master.

"He's fine, happy. Completely closed off though. Even I can't get a reaction out of him." Shima looked so pitiful. Partly like he hated himself, partly like he hated the world, and completely miserable without the presence of Rin.

Damn it. I have to help.

"I'm gonna come with you the next time you visit him." Shima's face was priceless, but this was serious so I didn't laugh. Even though I really, really wanted to.

"What? Why?" He sputtered. Well, fucking gods above, Shima actually stuttered. There must be something special about his and Rin's alone time that he doesn't want even me to interrupt. Of course he doesn't have a choice in this matter.

"You normally go after cram school for an hour, right? I'll just get some studying in while I'm there. It'll be fine." I sent a mild glare his way to stop him from trying anything. To my surprise he seemed defensive, like he was actually willing to fight back against me in order to make sure I didn't interrupt their time together. Something definitely changed in him. I was used to a Shima that laughed off threats because he was too meek to deal with them.

Then he checked himself and mellowed out surprisingly quickly. By his former expression I was expecting a brawl on my hands. I wonder what Rin did to make Shima so controlling. Whatever it was, it's impressive.

I approve.

I gave him a short nod before going into the washroom to brush my teeth and finish getting ready for bed. I stayed up late to make sure Shima was alright, spending the extra time studying and meditating. A whole hour extra was a bit more than I was expecting and I actually did start to worry that maybe something had happened, but Shima's come back later than this before. If it passed 12am then I'd be really worried and start looking.

The rest of the night passed in a flash, and the day was a blur of normality. No missions, no difficult assignments or class activities, just a constant flurry of notes and scribbling.

And then came the end of cram school. Shima had been ignoring him the entire class and opted to sit next to Rin instead, probably trying to get whatever private time he could before I intruded their space. And yes, I know I'm intruding, but I can't help it - I'm curious.

The walk back to Rin's dorm was quiet. Shima kept sending glances at Rin. Some of the glances might last too long to classify as a glance, but I'm not sure if there was a word for what he was doing. Looking seems a little too stalkerish. From what I know Shima isn't a stalker.

When we got to the room I was disgusted by their living conditions. There was a distinct lack of furniture in the way of chairs and tables, which made it weird to work on homework with only one desk. Their beds were less than uncomfortable and felt like any small press would send dust into the air and make me choke. The blankets were scratchy and the pillows lost any amount of fluff they may have had.

I bet Mephisto did this on purpose. Sounds like something that filthy demon would do.

Rin calmly sat on his bed with his notebook on his lap and began working. Shima took a spot on the floor, using Rin's pillow as a cushion. I was about to join him when I heard Rin speak.

For the first time in two fucking months, I'll have you remember.

"Take the desk. It's more comfortable, Bon." I wasn't entirely sure if his nickname for me was pointed at how I was privileged, but I doubted it was until Shima snickered. And Rin's lips quirked upwards for a second. Then I was lost on if I should get angry or just stay in awe of Rin's calm smile.

It was actually more fitting than his annoyingly gigantic one.

It looked real and holy shit did that let open a whole floodgate of realizations. It's not that he's pretending now to be emotionless and blocking everyone out. It's that he was was pretending about everything before, but now he was just being him.

Well, all of my fucking plans were just turned to scraps. I was thinking he was retreating into himself instead of letting his true personality show through, so I thought it would work to get him riled up by the things he used to get riled up by.

Nope. Not at all. Failed plan, no matter how much I tried it.

That's a shitty thought.

After a while of not doing any work but instead thinking about how wrong I was this entire time - fucking shit was was I thinking - Rin fell asleep and Shima stood up. I, too, got up to leave when I noticed the look on Shima's face as he pulled the scratchy, pathetic covers over Rin's sleeping form.

He fucking loves him.

Damn. That makes a lot of sense. Except for one thing.

Shima. Is. Straight.

And Rin is, in no possible way of looking at him - no matter how skilled his is in the kitchen or the fact that he used that hair clip I gave him when studying or cooking - Rin is female. I'll have to ask about this when we're walking back to the dorm.

We packed up our stuff and headed out as quietly as we could. Shima warned me multiple times to be quiet by placing his finger at his lips and glaring harshly every time I made the slightest of noises. It took too fucking long to get outside, and even then I didn't know how exactly to bring up this topic of Shima's sexuality. But once again my curiosity got the best of me and I couldn't wait any longer.

"You like him." The shock on Shima's face was priceless. Huh, he makes a lot of good faces when Rin's involved. Good to know. "Does he know?" Such an open book, this Shima. Eyes filled with pain and sorrow told me everything I needed to know. Sure, most people might interpret that as he was turned down, but Shima didn't hold the hopelessness that went with such a pain.

Really, this kid is such an open book. More so than he normally is.

"So, what are we gonna do to make him realize it? I'm pretty sure he's too oblivious to the world to actually know what you're saying." Hah, I managed to make him freeze again! This was a new record.

"I was planning to tell him next week and see what happens." Shima blushed as the words fought their way out of his mouth. He blushed. Rin really is having a huge affect on this kid. If only his words were hopeful instead of the already heartbroken, prepared for rejection tone they were spoken in I would actually be willing to make fun of him. As it was there was no way he could bring himself to make any sort of joke.

"Try being dramatic about it. Make it so he actually figures out what you're trying to say through to his oblivious mind." I gave him a pat on the back. The idiot needed all the help he could get if he was going to get through to an even bigger idiot.

"Good luck." We stayed in silence for a while longer. One sided conversations were fairly hard to continue, not that I particularly wanted to stay on that topic. As much as I want to help, it was weird helping Shima with his love life, especially when he crush was Okumura.

Whatever. I'll still help out whenever he needs it, and I'm pretty sure he'll need it a lot. The guy knows how to flirt and how to date, not how to love. Not that I have any more experience than Shima, but at least I had a better idea. Mainly that you're supposed to do what you want as well as what they want. Shima's dating consisted of doing whatever it was that his partner wanted in order to reach his end goal. It was a twisted way of looking at a relationship. Maybe Rin will change that.

Oh, I had another question, didn't I? How could I forget such an important topic?

"Was Rin just pretending to have all of those emotions?" Yes, that was the second most important thing I had learned this night. This is what I should be concerned about right now, not Shima's love life. My own crises of being wrong for over two months and never knowing it.

"Yeah." Maybe he didn't want to share the story? It might be Rin's story to tell and all, but I'm the one asking Shima, so he has to tell me. And he will, if I push a little more.

"Why?"

"Why what?" God damn it. Is he purposefully trying to piss me off?

Shima suddenly shot his head up so fast I thought whiplash was a definite possibility.

"Sorry, that's what Rin and I do when questioning each other. Habit." So he was already forming habits because of Rin. Annoying ones, but a change this immense just showed Rin was magical. "It's because of Yukio. Turns out he's the clingy one of the two. He wasn't able to live without Rin helping him out and being his friend. His only close friend. So Rin kept pretending to have emotions like that in order to help Yukio's mental health. Now he thinks that Yukio should be able to function without him, though it takes a little prompting in order to get Yukio to make friends besides Rin. So he waited this long before allowing himself to completely release all of his energy that was used to make emotions in order to make sure Yukio was safe and had friends."

Okay, wow. Did not expect that. So even this boring and expressionless version of Okumura was an extremely nice guy. Who would have thought that his increasingly delinquent attitude was like this. Sure, I can pull it off, but most people who look like delinquents are delinquents with few moral standards.

I hummed in response to Shima's paragraph of information to let him know it was appreciated that he didn't make me go through the entire annoying process of digging for information.

* * *

Good luck.

The words echoed through my head for days, always on repeat no matter what I was doing.

Good luck.

Bon was okay with this. He was fine with me liking Rin, liking the son of Satan, the guy he always used to fight with. He was willing to give me advice in order to get Rin to understand just how much I like him.

Be dramatic.

Good to know. Because I in no way had thought that it would be beneficial to do something drastic enough to get through to Rin. So helpful, Bon. So, so helpful.

But really, what would be something that could get through his thick layer of peace that so far had seemed impenetrable? Well, except messing with Bon, but that wasn't exactly something I wanted him to do during my confession.

What would be a dramatic thing to do during a confession? Most people give letters, chocolate or flowers, but those don't actually leave much of an impression - I know from personal experience. If I had a loud declaration in front of the entire school he's probably notice at least a little, but that wouldn't be something he'd want to draw so much attention to. And I'd rather not change my clothing into something ridiculous.

Google, please help me.

What I found was something about 'creative confessing' where it was basically starting a rumor and having it work for you, or giving a handwritten letter. Both of which I'm pretty sure won't work.

There was another entire article on how you should just talk to them. Try to let them understand you like them by being forward and suggesting a time for a date. Then I found one that said to buy 1000 candles and have them in our next meeting place, or serenading them with a ukulele. Both of those were dramatic, sure, but not something I was willing to do. For one my musical talent was crucially lacking, and two I don't have enough money to go out and buy candles.

Then I found one that said to kiss the person, then confess. Most people thought that was a terrible way of trying to portray your feelings that might leave the person you like scared for life, but it just might work. If Rin didn't like it, he wouldn't get scared, but if he did it might work to break through.

It's worth a shot. But I wouldn't be going through with it just yet. If Rin hates me after this, I want at least a little bit more time in his presence.

I couldn't stay satisfied for an entire week with just being next to him. Two days was basically my limit.

You know how you can keep up your stamina for a long period of time until you know the end is just about to come? How it's so close, and you're automatically ready to be done. Just waiting until the point where you can finally be finished and move on. That's what it was like. My mind was completely focused on when I would be able to finally try and break him out, and I just couldn't wait any longer. The time was getting close, and I'd already waited for a month and a half.

And so, five days before my original schedule, I confessed.

Rin was sitting on his bed reading something in one of the exorcist books. I was just standing in the doorway after coming back from the bathroom. After a mind wrecking battle with myself, I finally decided to just do it.

So here I was, standing awkwardly and being completely ignored by the person of my desires. I had checked, double checked and triple checked my hair and clothing before heading back here. I need to look perfect. I coughed into my hand.

"Um, Rin?" His head raised up from the book, but his eyes still traced the page. I tried again, and his eyes rose up as well. "I, um, need to tell you something." His eyes still had that infuriating calm and his mouth was still lifted upwards into a bairly seen smile. He was listening, but not fully aware.

Time to try a kiss. See how he reacts to that.

I walked over to the bed and climbed on next to him. His back was resting against the headboard, legs crossed and book in his lap. I kneeled in front of him. I placed a hand on his knee's soft skin.

Rin cocked his head questioningly, but he didn't voice any complaints with what I was doing. His eyes just showed a curious sparkle among the calm ocean. Taking the silence as a go-ahead, I leaned forward, lips a breath away. The heat radiating off of him brushing my skin.

The idiot still had no clue what was happening. I could see it in his eyes.

I closed my eyelids in order to once more steel myself to the reactions Rin was bound to have. It would either be disgust or uncaring, and both were equally hard to handle. With my eyes flashing open once more I moved forwards the rest of the way, my gaze staring into his for any emotion that might break through.

There was surprise. There was a lot of surprise, and the calm was washed away by a chaotic storm. He made a noise that was cut off by my mouth overlayering his, and in the moment his lips opened the slightest ways I had to force down my instinct to open my own and thrust in my tongue as the sound vibrated through. Rin wouldn't be ready for that yet. For all I know this could be his first kiss.

I pushed back any unwanted thoughts that came with the idea of, no, this was not his first. Pushing back those thoughts left my desires at the forefront of my mind.

I wanted to use my hands, to cup the back of his neck and pull him closer, to drag him down on top of me and hold his slender frame in contact with my own, to feel his muscles ripple with every delicate touch my fingers drew over them. I wanted to hear his moans, his pants; to see his chaotic gaze staring down my own when we connected in another heated kiss. I needed to growl as I marked him as my own, leaving nips and kisses all along his skin.

But I couldn't. Rin might be innocent.

So I draw back from the full lips and searched the turmoil consuming those eyes until they begin to clear, surprise and confusion still evident, as well as curiosity.

I placed all of my raw emotions into my next words. Every bit of love, of fear, the pain and hope and confusion. All of it, raw. Any of the mask I would wear around for protection was removed as I spoke, and if my reflection in Rin's eyes was anything to go by everything clearly showed on my face.

"I like you."

And it was out. Everything I had been thinking about since I saw Rin try modeling poses, every emotion or action that was out of place and Rin pointed it out, everything was unveiled and left for him to see and view and decide. Judge, jury and executioner.

I felt like crying.

* * *

What the actual fuck.

I mean, I now sorta understand why Shima refused to let me rest fully and kept bugging me about the smallest of things - Shura had stopped after I started my full vacation, so I knew it wasn't just because he wanted to bother me. So yeah, that part makes sense. The part about him liking me doesn't. I was fully convinced he was asexual thanks to our little tests.

Nope. He's actually gay. Or I'm the exception.

How fucked up would it be if I was the exception? If that's how it is, even I'd pity Shima. And I hate pity no matter the reasoning. I'm probably the worst person to fall in love with. Or in like, since he never said the words love. The fake me, sure. That one seemed to have emotions just bursting out of the seams.

Not that I don't have emotions. They just seems to be dulled more than most people's.

Shima likes me. Interesting. I mean, I notice him. A lot. But I normally just chalk that up to him always watching me. I always search for him whenever I enter a room that he should be in, but is that really something singularly attributed to liking someone? Probably not. I used to do that with Yukio, and I definitely don't like Yukio in that way.

He had soft lips…

Not what I'm trying to think about right now, damn it. Do I like Shima? Yes. In that way? I don't believe so.

God, I just wanted to rest for a few months. Why did this have to happen? My beautiful, peaceful abyss! Why, Shima, why did you have to make me leave?

Right. He probably didn't want to deal with an unresponsive crush. Stupid pity, I don't want to forgive him for this. Why are you making me?

I hope he can't read pity in my eyes. That would probably be worse than rejection. Not that I've actually experienced a sort of rejection that hurts in any way. I just imagine it would, going off what I've read in manga and other such things.

Damn it, Rin, stop thinking about manga! Focus on the Shima problem.

Wait, is it a problem? Shima likes me. I enjoy his company. Wait, I enjoy his company more than most people's,and his presence isn't annoying like Yukio's is.

Am I blushing? Fuck, I am. And I still haven't responded to Shima. How scared is he now? I don't want him to be scared.

I. Hate. Emotions. It's official, or at least more than it was before. Emotions cause problems, like flames getting out of control or a complete loss on what to do when someone likes you. It sucks. I can't even empathize with him and act the way I would have wanted someone to act because I haven't liked someone for more than their body, and even that was minimal.

So, being the asshole I am, I drew him closer and kiss harder, trying to place any stray emotions I have into that kiss in hope of showing him what I can't figure out.

But damn, when he reacts I start to melt. That boy knows how to kiss. I feel like my entire body is burning up when he nips at my lips to gain entrance, which I instantly allow. His candy-tasting tongue invades and plays with my own, sucking and sending vibrations through me with his deep moan.

I shiver at the sound, enticing his fingers to move to my waist in a gentle massage. I force down a whine when he removes his hands to cup my neck and lower back, pulling me closer. He shifted to draw me back down on top of his soft chest, lips still locked, with his hands navigating their way underneath my shirt.

When I come up for air I'm coherent enough to hear footsteps a few yards away, drawing closer and closer.

"Shit." I bite out before climbing off of Shima. "Yukio's coming" I answered his unspoken question before any insecurities could worm their way into his mind. Quickly fixing my uniform - deciding to take the jacket off because it would be too hard to settle correctly on my frame without effort - I watched Shima do the same in a panicked manner. He looked kind of cute with his messy pink hair and light dusted blush, his yummy lips just a tad swollen.

Well, fuck. I want more. Stupid Yukio for interrupting me.

Maybe I should give this entire relationship thing a try. If I will like anyone, it'd be Shima. He understands, even if he's an asshole who's sole purpose is to annoy the hell out of me.

Plus I'll get more of that yummy taste.

Not able to help myself I swooped down for another kiss moments before Yukio opened the door, and sat on my bed like nothing had happened. I gave Shima the first shit-eating grin that felt real in a long, long time.

Bye bye paradise, hello Shima.

Let's hope this is a fair trade.

* * *

Possibly switch to Yukio. He might be delighted to see Rin's smile, then extremely jealous of Shima and kick Shima out. Then the next week find the two of them kissing? Possibly in dorm room, maybe outside of class, maybe at mephy-land when they go on a date? Yukio gets pissed at Shima, pulls him away, hugs rin and all but hisses. They go back to the dorms, Rin explains, Yukio sends Shima angry looks for the rest of his life. (all of this is just a possibility, but I want more brother complex Yukio)

Nii-san's doing better. He's not back to normal, but he does smile a lot more.

Mainly around Shima, but I tried to ignore that.

He makes jokes about Bon a lot, and Bon's reactions seem to be somewhere between confusion and anger. I don't think he knows how to deal with Rin now that he's seen nii-san act like that. This said, he's far more friendly with Rin than he was before, and Rin goes to their dorm whenever he has the time.

Nii-san's leaving me, but I have to be okay with that. I don't have to like it, but I wasn't the one to bring him out of his depression this time. That was Shima. I shouldn't be allowed to feel any self-pity.

There are times my nightmare comes back, the one where Rin and I seperated into our two groups, him with the exquires, me with the doctors and other exorcists. It's starting to feel more like a reality than a nightmare.

It is a reality. I just don't want to accept it. A reality when I'm not with my brother, but random people who I hadn't known before. How can I accept a world without the constant presence of Rin? It feels impossible to have a time without him watching over me, even if I tell him it's annoying. It's a comfort and it always has been. He's my only family left. I just don't want anything to change again.

When we interact Rin is different. He's not overly happy to the point it's annoying, but he has a subtle happiness that I haven't noticed in his interactions with Bon or Shima. With Shima he has a happiness that I don't know how to explain. It's not one of a friend, like he has with Bon or Father Fujimoto, and it's not one that I assume to be of a brother, like he has with me. I don't know how to classify it, and it scares me.

But Rin's better, so I have to be fine with that much. At least he's happy, even if it's not with me.

It still hurts.

It hurts even more when I see him with Shima just inside the front room of our building. Shima really is taking Rin away from me, just in a way that I never expected him to.

With his tongue down Rin's goddamn throat.

I just got back from some stupid teacher conference for cram school where we were trying to figure out what everyone would be doing for the new week and making sure our lessons tied into each others at least a little bit to make it easier for the students to remember and keep track of. I had been in a decent mood. After all, Rin had been happier in this past week than he had been in the last three fucking months, but then Shima just had to be fucking pushing himself on my brother. My. Brother.

So I calmly explained why he isn't allowed to do that with my gun pointed at his stupid pink hair and that fucking smirk on his face.

"Rin, what did he do to you?" I know my tone is filled with ice. That was on purpose.

Rin looks like he's gonna fucking giggle. Like everything I'm doing is ridiculous, even though it's completely needed with this fucking pervert going after my brother. I thought he was the older one, why do I have to threaten this piece of trash? Oh, right, because my brother is starving for friends. And so this shit entered his life and tried to fuck with it.

"Nothing I didn't want him to." God. Fucking. Dammit. Why must Rin be so annoying now of all times? I mean, sure, this is sort of how he's been acting lately, but why the fuck can't be be serious now? This bastard is trying to destroy his innocence! I need to wrap Rin up in a thousand blankets and lock him in our fucking room or else people like this piece of shit will get to him.

Not a bad idea, actually. But Rin would just burn everything to the ground, so that won't work.

I'll have to talk to Mephisto about that.

"You aren't allowed to hang out with this asshole anymore. He's just going to use you." Rin actually fucking laughed at that.

"You can't tell me what to do, Yukio. I'm the older one, remember?." Why can't he act like my normal older brother than this person who was confident in his ability to piss me off while trying instead of doing it by mistake? It makes him so much more annoying than ever before.

When I didn't move Rin flared his flames a little bit as a 'back off' warning. I did, but not before pressing my gun closer to Shima's fucking temple.

I won't allow that piece of trash to date my brother, age or position be damned.

Shima leaves a few minutes after that.

I try and ignore the face sucking he's doing to my brother.

Rin comes up the stairs to our dorm and get ready for bed, brushing his teeth of Shima's poisonous fluids. That was one thing I could be happy about for tonight - Rin cleansing himself of Shima's polluted being and shedding the clothes that have been contaminated by his presence.

Nii-san lay down in his bed to sleep while I continued working on some documents that needed to get into Mephisto tomorrow morning, but I just couldn't focus. My brother's leaving me. He's going off with the other esquires and spending all of his time with them, yet when I'm able to be near him I'm just working on this damn paperwork.

Setting down my pencil and cleaning up the papers, I shifted into night time gear; getting ready for bed and calming myself down to go to sleep.

With everything prepared for slumber I climbed into Rin's bed like I did when we were younger. My nightmare was the life I'm living, where my brother's leaving me. I think that can substitute for an actual nightmare I would have when I sleep.

Rin's tail wrapped around me and I buried my face into Rin's chest. Just like when we're younger.

 _I wish we were still kids._

 _But this is good enough for now._

 _I still want to kill Shima…_

I fell asleep cuddled against my Nii-san.


End file.
